Save Us All
by emmapaz
Summary: An OITNB post season 4 fic taking off right where season 4 left us. Set through the lens of Vauseman and the heavily damaged state that they are both left in. WARNING: SEASON 4 SPOILERS.
1. Blood, and Blood, and Blood

Riot; a violent disturbance of the peace by a crowd.

A simultaneously invigorating and fearful opportunity that proves too tempting for most of the inmates, especially after the horrific death of a fellow prisoner in such a degrading and humiliating nature. A lost inmate with wisdom and care that was all too fragile for the type of lifestyle a person needs to possess in prison.

She laid cold and motionless on the cafeteria floor, trying to send an angel up to heaven without the circumstances of her death getting in the way, but no amount of effort could save anyone from the repercussions. People were at fault and the inmates want them to get what they deserve. And with a riot at their fingertips, they let their morality fly free into the sky catching up with Poussey along the way.

Not many run from the chanting and screaming herds of people that violently shake down the space around them, but Alex and Piper have proved themselves caught up in messes they just wanted to get out of, and so they opt for the chapel instead. A peaceful hideaway from the surrounding hell that is unfolding outside.

They huddle behind the furthest chair from the entrance, no words, only tangled up in each others arms cautiously listening to the chaos. It's distant, but the dark tone is vividly recognisable

*BANG* Alex jumps with the sound of a gun shot. And another, and another as the sound echoes loud enough to send shivers down her spine.

After the gun shots, follows the screaming.

Pleading.

Begging.

It's too messy to try to decipher what's been said or who's mouth it's coming out of, but it's haunting all the same.

It reminds Alex of exactly what she's running away from. The one thing that follows her like a dark shadow wherever she goes, searing it's eyes into the back of her head. It's Aydin. It's what Alex _did_ to Aydin.

She's tried running from her sinister reality and it always catches her.

She's tried facing it head on and it's confronting nature leaves Alex in a worse place than before.

Nothing helps. It all just hurts. It just aches like a sore that's never really started to heal.

Piper can feel the emotions within Alex's body shaking uncontrollably like a volcano that's about to erupt. She clutches her hand tighter, trying to give Alex some indication that she's there, that she doesn't have to do this alone anymore.

She brings Alex's trembling hand up to her lips and plants a light kiss, trying to catch her eyes in the process but failing miserably as Alex keeps her head down. "Al I've got you. You're safe." That's all she wants Alex to be. Piper was an absent reminder of how far power can seperate two people and how prison can suppress a love so strong it could move mountains. Piper blamed the prison, blamed Alex and blamed the people around her but at the end of the day she knew _she_ was the only one at fault. _She_ made the decisions. _She_ chose the dark road. And now she's trying to find a flashlight so she can see again.

Alex and Piper hear the excruciating sounds creeping closer with every second that passes by. Their heartbeats rising and anticipation levels sky rocketing to unknown limits as they pray to themselves that they aren't going to be swept up in this predicament. The screaming and yelling is right outside the chapel door just waiting to burst the seams of the safe haven Alex and Piper thought they were in. Alex's shaking increases and Piper thinks she's about to jump off the edge of sanity, so she holds her for dear life trying to save her from the edge.

But slowly and steadily, the cacophony of voices drifts away, becoming more and more distant and letting Alex walk back from the fall she was about to endure.

"Let's go ok?" Piper puts her finger under Alex's chin, ushering it to face her before helping her onto her feet.

Alex follows Piper out of the chapel like she's a student and Piper's the teacher, in a weird inferior practice that she doesn't quite understand herself. And somehow it makes perfect sense once Piper looks down at the ground.

Blood. _So much blood._ Smeared in a crooked line right in the middle of the hallway. In a panic, Piper turns around, about to let words of guidance escape her mouth before Alex looks down, but she already is and her face tells all.

Piper can't say anything. It's as if someone has their hands around her neck, choking her viciously and disabling her ability to speak. She just stares apologetically with her mouth wide open, wiggling with an attempt to let something leave her mouth. Some form of comfort. Anything.

"Piper, I can't..." It comes out as a wet and disorientated whimper that cuts deep like a knife. She's hunched over, like she can't even bear the weight of herself, still staring at the blood, and being flooded with vivid images that make her feel like she's drowning and the only escape is the tears that leave her eyes. She lets them run free because let's face it, she couldn't hold them back if she tried, no matter how much she wanted to.

Alex flicks her head up to the ceiling, letting out a pain filled moan until she is interrupted by Piper's soft words. "Close your eyes. Close your eyes, hold onto me and trust me. I'll take you where it's safe."

Alex does just that. Her breathing remains fast and inconsistent and her fingers press hard against Piper's skin for some form of stability. Piper looks down to where Alex's hand is touching hers and she can already see the marks it's creating, but she wouldn't dare say a thing. Alex is completely out of control and Piper swears she can see her reflection in the tears that slowly make their way down Alex's cheek. Piper is fucking sorry. She's so fucking sorry for it all. It didn't have to be this way. This wouldn't be happening if it wasn't for Piper. And the worst part is that no matter how many sorry's Piper says or how many times she wakes up feeling like she's being stabbed a thousand times, it will never soften Alex's wounds. They still remain more prominent than ever.

Stride after stride, Alex feels like she's been walking for a lifetime. Somehow with your eyes closed things seem dormant and out of the regular rhythm of time. But she perseveres. She doesn't ask any questions and continues holding onto the hope that they are not going to get caught up in a violent altercation and she is not going to look down and see more blood staining the bottom of her boots.

They come to a halt. Alex hears a door open in front of her. She's ushered forward, and then hears the door again behind her.

"It's ok Alex, you can open your eyes now." Piper whispers in her ear with a tenderness that is the all too familiar.

Alex cautiously opens her eyes to Yoga Jones seated on her bed and a meticulously luxurious prison space where one Judy King used to lie.

Piper analyses the room trying to find anything that can help the situation. She rips out a few tissues from a purple box sitting on the counter and proceeds to wipe up the blood trail that her and Alex had tracked into the room.

The blood is so in focus and noise has familiarised itself with Piper that it takes her a second to look over at Alex who has a blanket close to her face while she excruciatingly whimpers. If pain was in the form of a sound, this would be it. It sounds like someone is beating her insides. Like the souls of demons have taken over Alex and every ounce of purpose she ever had. It's so very painful to hear and Piper can't imagine how Alex must feel having to endure every bit of it.

"What's happening out there?" Yoga Jones says lightly, deferring Piper's focus from Alex.

"You don't want to know. Just trust me on this one, don't go out there." Piper lifts herself up off the ground and places the blood soaked tissues in a pile next to the door.

Simultaneously, Yoga Jones and Piper stare at Alex who's eyes are closed. She shakes uncontrollably; tears dropping off the side of her face soaking the blanket. She doesn't know how there's still anything left inside to cry out.

With gentle steps, Piper walks over to Alex and places her hand on her back in an attempt to offer some protection. The image of Alex snags at Piper's heart, clouding her eyes in the process. The lump formulating in Piper's throat feels like guilt and sorrow and the sting in her chest is the switch that let's her own tears run like a river.

"What do I do?" Piper mouths to Yoga Jones with her hazy eyes making sure to remain out of Alex's view. She wants to be the person that can save Alex, lift her out of the water and be the one that stops her from drowning in her own tears but she has no idea how to. She can't get a grip on her own emotions, let alone be able to help someone else's.

Piper frantically locks onto Yoga Jones for answers as she watches the cogs in her mind turn, trying to land upon a solution.

Jones tiptoes over and crouches in front of Alex, landing her hand on top of hers "Alex, think of your time here as a manda..."

"Shut the fuck up with your mandala bullshit" It comes out of Alex's mouth like a heavy punch that knocks everyone in the room into utter awareness and shock. The vibration of the words linger a little bit too long, like the strum of a guitar string, but much more aggressive. Alex immediately feels bad. She doesn't need to talk to people like this, especially someone trying to help her, but she can't stop it. Everything's seeping out of her and it's like she's watching from the outside looking in, unable to make any logical decisions.

Yoga Jones doesn't feel the need to reply. She knows her place. And her place is on her bed, silent and that's exactly where she heads to.

Piper puts her arms around Alex and the thick blanket she has wrapped around her, clutching them both, trying to make sure she doesn't fall apart in her arms. Holding her as tight as possible in hopes that the fear will squeeze right out of her.

"Make it stop Piper" Alex whispers into Piper's chest. She sounds like a scared child that wants nothing more than to be held until the storms over.

The words rip apart Piper right on the spot. She's responsible for causing _and_ fixing this and she can't even formulate a plan good enough to get Alex out of this state temporarily. "I don't know how to Al, I don't know how." Piper doesn't know who sounds more damaged, herself or Alex.

"I don't know if this will help.." Yoga Jones passes Piper a black smart phone with headphones connected to the bottom. "I listen to it to relax me." Yoga Jones stays as far away as possible stretching her arm out to meet Piper's hand, scared of another outburst from Alex. She doesn't have to be a part of the pain to notice it, and she almost feels as consumed as Piper and Alex in such a small room.

Piper meets Alex's forehead with hers, feeling Alex's warmth radiating around her body. She feels the need to whisper, like speaking at regular volume is too loud for the circumstances. "Put the headphones on Al. It might help."

Alex lifts her head up to face Piper's. Her body has never felt so heavy and the second she has a glance at Piper's discomfort, everything just goes black. "I'm _so_ sorry Piper" It's ejected like a cry that never fully had lift off, but got interrupted mid way.

"What, why are you sorry? You don't have to be sorry for anything. It's me that's sorry."

"Look at what I'm doing to you" Alex is sobbing loudly and violently, retaining eye contact with Piper in an effort to torture herself even further. She doesn't want Piper hurting due to her own agony. It's her own pain, not Piper's.

"Stop. Breathe, and stop apologising for things you don't have to apologise for." Piper feels like she's shoving a sock down her throat to try and suffocate anything that wants to find their way out of her. She needs to be strong for Alex. Alex needs her to be the rock that carries them both to safety. It's not a matter of if the pain will go away, it's the fact that when Piper is cut open and the pain rushes out, she has to act like she's ok.

Alex tries to take a long, deep breath in but she breaks; she shatters, into a million pieces all over the floor and Piper doesn't know what to do another than press their bodies together and be ready for the clean up that follows. Piper's so _fucking_ sorry it has to be this way.

Piper moves her leg slightly, hearing the rattle of the headphones that she forgot about. She lets go of Alex and lifts them up onto Alex's head. "Put these on and imagine you're somewhere else but here."

Alex looks at them, skeptical. But as weak as she is, she puts the headphones on top of her ears. It's some kind of weird relaxation music. Slow and mellow. But Alex does what she's told. She tries to imagine being somewhere else. Somewhere where she's not afraid of herself anymore, or more afraid of the guilt that's consuming her. She's tried to run from her pain again and again, but no matter how fast she runs, it always catches up to her, right around the corner just waiting until Alex turns to see it.

She shuffles around, letting her head rest on Piper's lap. She closes her eyes and let's the music drift her off into another world other than reality.

"Is she ok?" Yoga jones says worryingly to Piper who is trying out her own relaxation techniques.

"It's rough times right now." The simple answer is "yes" and Piper can't really comprehend why Yoga Jones is asking her a question that she already knows the answer to.

"And you? How are you doing with all of this?"

"I don't know how to help her. I'm trying, I really am. But I don't know what I can do to help her." It feels like Piper's been put in reverse. She's about to drive all the way back to the falling apart stage again and she's bracing herself for the impact.

"I was more talking about your personal predicaments"

Piper shakes her head. "I just want her to be happy. That's all. I don't care about the rest." Piper starts stroking Alex's arm delicately, following her veins like it's a map to her escape. "I fucked up a lot of things, and now it's my turn to fix it."

"Piper, you can't fix people. They need to fix themselves."

" _I can try_." Piper can't even say the words. They come out unrecognisable like she's talking in another language. She clears her throat and enunciates each word slowly "I can try".

The concentration pivots in an instant as they hear footsteps approaching the door. An unspoken fear fills the room and it becomes difficult to breath. Without a second going by, the door is kicked off it's hinges, lying flat on the floor to reveal an officer with his gun drawn. He swings it from Yoga Jones, to Piper, to Alex and then back again "I NEED TO SEE YOU ALL WITH YOUR HANDS UP."

Piper delicately lifts Alex's head out of her lap and joins Yoga Jones in placing her hands next to her face, palms facing the unknown officer. Alex is still in a daze, virtually weak from the emotional turmoil she had undertaken, and she groggily moans at the in-distinct sounds in the background of her mind.

"INMATE, HANDS UP" The officer looks directly down the barrel of his gun and his prime target is Alex. She still isn't part of reality. She's somewhere far where she was told to go and things don't hurt as much there. She doesn't hear what the officer is saying, it's all in mumbles and white noise.

Poussey is prominent in Piper's mind. The seconds of suffocation play repeatedly like it's on a record. All that Piper can think about is how Alex can easily be next. All it takes is a few seconds, one stupid guard, and one inmate to kill a life and if Alex goes, Piper does to. "AL, GET UP" Piper screams in fear, clutching at the optimism of safety that isn't guaranteed.

"DID I ASK YOU TO SPEAK INMATE?" If they were playing a game of who can yell the loudest, the officer is definitely winning. His saliva sprinkles out of his mouth with every word and the drooping eyelid playing tango with a three inch long scar makes Piper sweat in her boots.

Alex jiggles around, rubbing her eyes and waiting for the room to shift into focus and when it does, she's greeted by a haunting reality "Whoah, what the hell?" she says with a husky, half asleep undertone.

"Stand up slowly inmate. Hands behind your head." The depth of the officers voice makes the whole room shake. His gun remains the central fear of the room with his finger laying loosely on the trigger.

Alex puts her hands up, mirroring the other occupants of the room. She glances at Piper, virtually coming undone with fear and she knows it.

"All three of you, go to the wall. Keep your hands where they are." Vigilantly, one after the other, Alex, Piper and Yoga Jones stop inches from the wall, not daring to look at one another in fear of what will happen.

"This is Hanson, copy. I've got three in here."

A few seconds later, they are greeted with an officer each. "Inmates, do not move".

They are patted down in the most degrading and haunting nature possible, not leaving anything to the imagination. They don't opt for a painless search. Everything is fast, efficient and rough, pushing and pulling the inmates in any direction they please. From the corner of her eye, Piper watches one of the guards turn and grab the phone that lays upon the bed and another collectively places the bloody tissues in a clear zip lock back.

In a sigh of relief, the guards approach the finishing line of patting the inmates down. "Is this your bunk?" The officer has one hand still running the outside of Alex's leg.

"No" Alex says quietly.

"THEN GET THE FUCK TO YOUR BUNK INMATE, ALONG WITH ANYONE ELSE NOT IN THE RIGHT BUNK" Alex jolts with the volume that enters the space, but doesn't think to disrupt the peace. It's it worth it. The risks are too high.

Out of the door Piper and Alex witness the rushing of police officers, SWAT teams and prison guards, all with authoritative stances and a direct route, nearly knocking Piper right off her feet as they storm by, never even looking back at her, let alone apologising

With another step, Piper hears the familiar squelching under her feet and she is overcome with dread as she looks down at the blood beneath her. Somehow in all the hysteria she had forgotten about it. She looks back at Alex fearing the worst, knowing how much of a trigger this is for her, knowing that she can't crumble again. Not now.

Alex's head is up, pointing at the roof, making sure she isn't watching where she is walking. She's seen what's under her and she knows that the second she looks down again the floor with swallow her into a dark hole that she won't be able to get out of. Not even with Piper's help.

"Alex.." Piper reaches for Alex's hand, missing it as she pulls it away from her. "Shh, just, just shh. I'll be fine" Alex doesn't know if she's trying to fool herself or Piper. This isn't fine. It's far from it. She didn't know her PTS was this deep until she saw the blood. She thought it would stop at the nightmares and the crying. She didn't think about triggers. But this... The blood... It's too much.

Alex begins to walk with almost the same authority as the people with weapons running past her. Piper has no choice but to follow. She's scared to say anything more, knowing that she won't ever say the right thing.

Alex gets to the bunk with her head still remaining upright and Piper following her right behind her heels. They are the first ones out of the whole bunk to be situated and the thickness of guards is astounding.

"Get in your bunk and fucking stay there" An unknown voice echoes through the dorm with Alex and Piper following the order. Alex doesn't look back at Piper for a second. She's too caught up in trying to keep herself together and she knows that Piper's doing better than she is.

As she sits on her bed, Alex looks down at her shoes and the footprints of blood she's created. She remembers cutting Aydin's body up. All the blood. Dismembering the body. Having it lay right in front of her.

The blood.

The blood.

The blood.

Her chest goes tight in a panic and she quickly looks up again as she tries to take her shoes off without looking. Untying the laces, loosening the flap, ripping the shoe off her foot and then repeating the process with the other, all while practically blind. Her hand slips, touching the sole of the second shoe. She doesn't have to look down to know what's on her skin. She can feel it. She can feel her pulse beating in her head almost waiting for it to explode, but she races to her jacket that's hung up on a hook and wipes away the blood, again, keeping her eyes well away. She puts the shoes at the entrance way to her bed and makes sure to look in the other direction. She catches Piper looking and without a word, she knows that she's been watching the whole time by the look on her face. It hurts, so Alex looks away because it's the easiest damn thing to do right now.

One by one inmates come rolling in. Most covered in specks of blood, others drenched in it.

Red walks into the bunk looking defeated, eyeing Piper up while she does the same to Red. Piper notices the left side of her body stamped with a bloody handprint. "You missed the bloodbath. A whole bus load is getting shipped down to max as we speak."

"I'm glad I missed it" Piper sounds more like a zombie than anything. The mellow monotone voice of someone with their mind elsewhere.

"Were you with Alex?" Piper nods with agreement at Red's question and the name snaps Piper's attention back to where it needs to be, proving too imperative to ignore.

"Did she witness any of it?"

"Just the blood on the floor, that's it." _That's it_. Piper scares herself at just how easily she let it roll off her tongue after witnessing Alex practically suffocate every time she saw the blood. She doesn't correct herself. It's too late for that.

"Good. She doesn't need the added torture"

"I know..." Piper doesn't want to ask, she _really_ doesn't want to know but she knows she will hear it anyway so it may as well come from Red. "We heard the screams Red, what went on out there?"

Red looks at Piper like she's disappointed and Piper doesn't quite understand why. "The killed two guards. Dragged their bodies through the hallway to the cafeteria and left them there in the same place Poussey was. And then of course, they had to go one step further. They imprinted their bodies. Piper, it's the same brand that you have on your arm."

Piper's stomach drops. "The window?"

"The swastika. Keep it hidden at all times. Piper, you're just like the guards that they killed. This isn't a game you want to play. I can assure you, if you play it, you will be next."

Piper's chest starts caving in. She doesn't need this. She doesn't want any of this anymore. If only she could turn back time and realise this wasn't worth it from the beginning. People know about her branding. They _think_ know exactly who she is and why she has an imprint on her arm. What does it matter if it's a window or a swastika, because they've both been placed there for the same reason. To try and permanently prove who Piper truly is, even when she doesn't know herself.

 _ **Author notes:**_

 _ **IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK. Not that my writing hiatus was long and all, but there's nothing like starting a fresh fic after an amazing new season of OITNB. It didn't take long for this storyline to work it's way into my mind and not want to get out, so I hope you guys will enjoy this ride with me like I always want you to.**_


	2. Wonder or Wander

Piper awakes to the cluster of profanities spilling out over her like rain in the dark hours of the morning. The suspected eeriness of silence doesn't linger like a shadow consuming ever body that lies in bed. It's merely the opposite.

A range of "shut the fucks ups" and "I'm trying to sleeps" hits Piper in her dazed state, not really identifying who is the recipient of such aggressive tones.

She scrunches her blue and white speckled blanket up to the side of her face trying to block out the sounds that fill her ear. She wants the sweet relief of sleep. She doesn't see or feel pain then, and it's a pleasant reminder that things can be switched off like a light once her mind decides to lock itself up at night.

But a blanket to the ear doesn't suffice and without much thought or consideration, Piper acknowledges that going back to sleep isn't going to be an easy task, even if her eyes are swollen and fluttering, begging to remain shut.

Piper pays more attention to the sounds, with the introduction of something distant. It has a different tone than the rest of the screams; more haunting and painful. She doesn't understand why it sounds so familiar, why she's heard it before.

And then it hits her like a grand piano falling on top of her from the sky above.

"Aydin stop. It doesn't have to be like this." A torturous mash up of crying and speaking drifts down to Piper and in an instant she knows it's Alex.

Piper's eyes burst open and she's sent into an utter panic with her heart wanting to rip open her skin from the inside and jump out.

Piper doesn't even hesitate. She rips the blanket off from right on top of her and scurries down the side of her bed, nearly slipping on the damp metal that holds the bed in place, catching herself on the wall beside her.

It doesn't take long to see how far gone Alex is. How agitated her movements are as she shuffles in her bed, or how her sweat dribbles down the side of her hairline as she tries to fight the anxious panic. Piper softly places her hand on Alex's forehead trying to receive some indication of how high Alex's temperature is against her hands. Alex is searing hot. Boiling. And she looks like her body's suffocating under the blankets. Piper gathers the blankets that are caught under Alex's body and pulls them out with a hard yank, allowing Alex's skin to breathe in the frosty air.

"Stop, please" Alex's eyes are closed and it takes a moment for Piper to realise that she's still caught in her nightmare.

"Shhh" Piper whispers with her lips just touching Alex's ear. Piper adjust her stance and uses the bottom of her finger to delicately wipe away the tears that drip down Alex's face, wiping them on the already soaked shirt that Alex has plastered onto her body.

"Shut that bitch up" It comes from the far left side of the bunk from a voice that doesn't sound at all familiar. But even if it did, Piper's objective is to comfort Alex out of her horrific nightmare, not get into arguments with a rowdy inmate. She knows the window is seared into her arm for this exact decision. Stay out of people's business. Don't disturb the peace. She knows what's worth it, and it's lying right in front of her.

Piper starts calmly rocking Alex, fingers grasped onto the top of her arm in an effort to get her to wake up.

"Aydin." Alex screams loudly, triggering even more verbal outbursts from the inmates surrounding.

Piper stands up from her kneeling position and places both her hands onto Alex, shaking her back and forth, more violently than her previous attempt, but cautious that she doesn't hurt her or cause her any harm that will add to the monstrosity. She can feel Alex's muscles loosen and her hand reach up for Piper's, while simultaneously revealing her bright eyes to the world.

"Piper?" Alex says softly and confused, scrunching up her face.

"Hey, you're ok Alex, it's ok now." Piper let's out in barely a whisper that tickles Alex's skin as she let's the words trickle out.

"What?" Alex brings her hands up to her face, rubbing her eyes and wiping away the remnants of tears that linger.

"You were yelling in your sleep Al"

"Fuck." Alex clenches her fists, bringing them up to her forehead and opening them again, feeding her fingers viciously through her hair.

"C'mon, come to the bathroom with me. Talking only." Piper holds onto Alex's eyes with hers, confronted by the familiarity of fear that should be anything _but_ familiar. It scares Piper more than anything in the world that recently she's seen more fear than love in Alex's eyes and it's stained Alex to the point of no return.

Alex doesn't say a thing to Piper's invitation to the bathroom. She just gets up and follows her, still beating herself up over the fact that her nightmares are becoming verbal and her struggles are being noticed.

...

Piper cups her hands under the freezing running water that's escaping the tap in the bathroom. "Here" She presses the cold water onto Alex's forehead which is still drizzled with sweat, and works the water back into Alex's hair making sure to place the loose strands behind her ears.

Alex's eyes are glazed over, trying not to let the walls break but knowing too well that they are about to come crashing down and will drown Piper with it. She's not scared of showing Piper her vulnerability. She's done it a hundred times over, but it's herself she's scared of facing. She's scared of coming to grips with how bad she has actually become. She thought she was going crazy just from the paranoia of Kubra coming to kill her, but now, she's entered a new depth of hysteria in which she feels like she's suffocating.

Alex sighs and leans her head on the wall under the basins with Piper sitting next to her, looking extremely apologetic.

"Don't beat yourself up over it. Everyone will get over it by morning" Piper says behind a forced smile. She thinks it will make Alex feel that little bit better but the second the smile is on her face, she regrets the action immediately, withdrawing it. Alex has that 'are you kidding me?' look on her face. Out of all people she doesn't need Piper acting like everyone else, trying to be cheery in an effort to bring Alex's mood up. She doesn't need that. She's never needed that. She just needs someone to be there for her and listen to her, and without asking she knows that Piper's going to do that.

"It's the fact that I can't control it. I'm _so fucking_ out of control." Alex sends out a nervous laugh not really sure exactly how she's feeling. It's a mess, like a tornado has been let loose inside her and is tearing everything insight apart, leaving debris, everything broken and out of place. And Alex doesn't even know where to start cleaning up.

"Alex you _killed_ someone."

Alex feels like she's just been drowned by Piper's ignorance. She doesn't know why Piper would actually think it's ok to let words like that roll out of her mouth when Alex more than well knows that she killed someone. That's what all this is about. That is why they are in this bathroom and that's why Alex yells in her sleep and can't stand the sight of blood and just wants to be held and taken to a place other than here. This isn't new news. "Oh thanks for _fucking_ reminding me. It's not like I wanted to forget or anything" Alex mutters, annoyed and irritated.

"No, Al, what I meant was that for a person in your situation, it would be weird for you to feel in control." Piper feels herself digging her own grave, shovel in hand, scooping out giant chunks of dirt just ready to throw her body in and have Alex bury it for her.

Alex's face hardens, staring at Piper while her throat swells and her palms start sweating profusely "How would you know, are you, are you going through the same thing Piper?"

"I'm not" Piper says in a whisper, not wanting to make the situation any more heated than it already is. She didn't mean for it to get like this. For the conversation to turn into a hostile takeover rather than a comforting session where she is able to pull Alex out of her sorrows for a while. And then again Piper never means anything to turn out like it does.

"Then why do you think that your opinion is more valid than mine?" Alex's voice echoes through the bathroom at a dangerous volume, especially for the time of morning. She doesn't particularly realise though, zoned in on her target and ready to scrutinise any kind of horror that leaves her mouth.

"When did I ever say that my opinion is more valid than yours Alex? I'm just trying to help you." Piper jumps at her chance to reply, not leaving any room for Alex to say another word. The tension in the room fills the space, disintegrating the frosty air and leaving a murky, unpleasant feeling. "Did you already forget that I'm sitting next to you at two o'clock in the morning while everyone else was telling you to shut up?"

Alex stays silent, beaten in the face by the reality that she's arguing with the one person that's actually here for her. She doesn't understand why everything is so difficult to come to grips with lately. What would once be easily resolved has now turned into a standoff when it doesn't need to be. Piper just wants to help. She just fucking wants to help her.

Alex lowers her head into her lap and starts silently crying, letting the tears go where they desire "What the fuck am I doing?" She feels Piper's hand on her back, moving her fingers to the right and left of her spine in a light motion. She doesn't feel like she deserves her touch. Not after how easily she snapped at her. "I'm sorry Pipes. I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore" she muffles into her arm sleeve that's placed below her mouth, combatted by jolts of her chest seizing up when too many tears try to escape at once.

"It's ok Al, it's ok. I know I haven't been in your situation and I know that I don't know how it feels, but I'm doing my best to try and help you out of it. We will get through this together. We always do."

The silent crying turns into sobs. Torturous, painful and agonising sobs that feel like they are pulling Alex's heart in different directions and flooding her lungs with poison. " _I love you Piper._ " Things are so messy and chaotic and it's the only thing that Alex is certain about at this point. She doesn't know if it's the lack of sleep or her emotional instability, but she just needed to say it. Like she was going to explode if it's stayed locked away for any longer. The aftermath of the tornado inside of her managed to leave the one thing Alex needed the most, and that's her love for Piper. She can't even remember the last time she said it and that scares her. It's an unspoken feeling, a connection that isn't tangible but saying the words validate it all. Saying the words make it real.

Piper goes into a form of shock. She freezes, unsure of whether she heard it correctly. Maybe she's the one still sleeping. Maybe she needs to be pinched to wake herself up. "What did you say Alex?"

Amidst the tears, Alex squeezes in a slight smile "I said _I love you_." Piper eyes light up like New York City lights on a dark night. She remains speechless, just staring into Alex's slicked eyes that struggle to fit in all the tears that want to come out. She watches Alex close her eyes, like it's happening in slow motion, tears roll down, trying to be the first one to the finish line.

"I love _you_ " Piper replies, placing her fingers delicately onto Alex's skin and trickling them down ever so lightly until they turn to meet her lips. She traces over them, never really understanding the true powers they possess and the effect they have on her.

Piper leans in, moving her fingers out of the way and connecting her lips with Alex's, finding a slow rhythm that proves too easy. She feels like she's being hypnotised, like she's under some sort of spell that she can't seem to break away from. But the truth is, she doesn't want to break away. She wants to stay locked onto Alex's lips forever, tasting what she has to offer and savouring it for hours after their done.

Piper can feel the wetness of Alex's tears getting in touch with the corners of her mouth, the saltiness contrasting with the sweet taste of Alex. The taste that is all too forgiving.

Running out of breath, Piper disconnects herself, reaching for a breath of air.

"Don't" Alex says. It comes out desperate.

And Piper can sense the desperation immediately. She goes back in with more intensity, putting her warm hand up inside Alex's shirt, feeling every crevice. The soft and beautiful skin and the way Alex leans into her hand like she's all hers is enough to send Piper over the edge. Unwillingly, Piper's moans into Alex's mouth, feeling the goosebumps rise on Alex's chest immediately after like Piper's electric.

As quickly as it escalated, Piper pulls her hand out of Alex's shirt the second her ears perk up and hear the sounds of footsteps approaching the bathroom.

The footsteps don't stop, only coming closer and with more volume. Piper lurches up, bring Alex with her and nonchalantly they start washing their hands in seperate basins with no real purpose other than to look like they were doing anything other than what they actually were.

Leanne enters the bathroom and scoffs at the appearance of Alex and Piper. "I can't even go chuck a shit in peace at 2am now?" Leanne trudges past them to the furthest cubicle and opens the door, walking in.

Alex and Piper don't say a thing. They turn off the taps and proceed to wipe their hands and leave.

Leanne holds the cubicle door open, peeking her head out before she closes it "For the record Chapman, you're mid fuck moans haunt me every time I close my eyes."

Piper is all too serious, taking offence to the mockery while Alex leans over the basin trying to suppress the laughter that is escaping her mouth, knowing exactly how sensitive Piper can be.

...

After breakfast, the prisons tone still feels sticky and volatile, like at any moment all hell will break loose and another prison meltdown will unfold.

There were many gaps in the traditional cliques, Diaz, Taystee, Brandy, Skinhead Helen and Watson being just a few of the inmates absent.

Piper doesn't ask any questions. She doesn't need to know details. But she can't help formulating her own little scenarios in her head based on the inmates she didn't see at breakfast.

She does so under the wandering eyes of Red who lays in her bunk, book in hand, still wondering why Piper isn't doing a damn thing.

The non-verbalised confusion is cut in half when Lorna appears with the edges of her pants soaked in blood.

"Don't you look like a mess" Red says, closing her book and taking the glasses off her face. She pushes herself up off her bed, holding onto the pain that stabs her back.

"How would you look after you had to spend the whole night cleaning up gallons of blood?" Lorna looks down at the blood on her pants and sighs loudly.

"They made _you_ do that." Piper rests her body against the wall behind her, ready to participate in the conversation.

"Suzanne and I. Lucky us right?"

"Jesus" Piper mumbles.

"You could literally see the imprint of the guards faces mooshed into the blood in the cafeteria. And you know what the funny part is... The bodies were taken away so quickly and the black French was left there for hours" Lorna says it in a childish way that makes it even more horrific, like she doesn't realise the impact her statement makes.

"Because we are inmates. We don't matter to them. The only time we matter is when their heads are on the line. That's the only time they ever decide to change anything around here" Red projects, loud and snappy. She's been in here long enough to see the worst of the prison and even though the inmates change and so do prison policies, the one thing that remains is the utter disconnection and disregard for the inmates. It never stops.

Lorna makes herself comfortable on Red's bed, making sure the blood on her pants doesn't touch the blankets. "We have lives too. We are people too."

"They don't see that. All they see is dead weight" Red scoffs.

Piper sighs "And if we had only taken a left turn instead of a right we wouldn't be in here."

"And neither would Alex and neither would your love affair." Lorna says, raised eyebrows and a smile swept across her face as she looks at Piper.

Piper's mind is immediately clouded with the quote 'doomed to be together'. That whole conversation with Alex basically consisted of the fact that even if they had chosen a left turn instead of a right, they would be in the exact same position. Piper wants to withdraw her previous remark, realising how wrong it was but deciding that it's too much effort for what it is."I just wished we didn't have to be prisoners."

"You think you're the only one?" Red replies, laughing as she fiddles with the glasses that hang loosely on her chest.

"Piper I don't mean to rain on your parade, but out of the three of us, you have the least to lose in here. Red's got kids, I'm married. You don't have anyone waiting outside for you."

Piper is taken back by Lorna's comment, not really expecting anything that came out of her mouth. It's the truth and she knows that, but said in such a harsh and unfiltered way makes her feel like she shouldn't even speak. Like she doesn't deserve to take part in conversations or be part of a group.

Red doesn't hesitate to give Lorna a stern, serious look that basically says 'as if you just said that', but without any words. "What Lorna means is that the one you love is in here. None of us have that except for you."

"I understand." It hits Piper like a ton of bricks. She thinks about the people on the outside. Her mom and her dad. Ever since she's been imprisoned she has never felt love from them. It's just resentment. Like she was a failure, and leaving Larry and having a girlfriend was the cherry on top of the cake that was already toppling over. And yet she's happy. When she's lost in Alex's eyes, and lips, and body, she is the happiest she's ever been in her life. And that's a big call to make, especially when Piper's in prison and things have been utterly terrible in here the past few months.

"Doesn't matter anyway. No matter how many hours we sit and wonder about this nonsense, the only thing we have left to do is wander out of here when our sentence is up and figure our shit out." Red smiles at Piper, watching her still tangled up in Lorna's comment.

"Wonder or wander, that's all it comes down to."

"Wonder or wander."


	3. Family

_***Vause, you have a visitor. Report to visitation, Vause***_

Alex walks through the narrow corridors towards the entrance to visitation, knowing exactly why she's being called. She couldn't fathom why anyone would want to visit her. She doesn't even have anyone on the outside anymore. But it all makes sense. A sinister letter she received a week ago provoked Alex's choice to add a certain individual to her visitation list. A tangled and diluted mess that Alex keeps getting further and further in. It doesn't stop, and neither did her anxiousness going into visitation.

The last time she was in that room it was on the other end of the table, out of uniform pleading her case and looking for a ticket out of her fear, even if that meant saying goodbye to Piper for good and skipping town. That feels like forever ago. A past life even. And yet that same fear is still very much real, capturing her joy and purpose, locking it in a box and throwing it deep into the ocean. These days Alex can't even imagine a day without it. A day without fear taking over her body and consuming her thoughts. It's become a sick system of normality. And yet when she can finally see her visitor, the fear of daily life is nothing more than background to the terrifying reality standing right in front of her.

"Haluk" Alex swallows, cautiously walking towards the table that Haluk stands from. She doesn't know whether to cry or laugh or let open the panic she has brewing inside of her because God only knows what the right reaction to this is. It's a shock unlike anything other, where Alex doesn't feel like she has control of her body. It's just this debilitating fear that has overpowered her senses, and all she can do is reach for the chair in front of her and plant herself on it before she loses her grounding.

Haluk simultaneously sits as Alex does. He looks disheveled and poorly groomed; beard outgrown, hair not combed and the lingering stench of cheap alcohol mixed with morning breath. This is to Alex's surprise, as many nights out saw him as a clean cut gentleman that always took much pride in his personal appearance. "Alex. I know this might come as a surprise, but I think you know why I'm here." His voice is quiet but stern and addressing his reason sends chills down Alex's body.

Haluk impatiently waits for a reply that he does not receive. Alex doesn't even bat an eyelash. Not a single movement. Nothing to satisfy Haluk's eagerness for answers. Just pure terror. Her stained eyes remain low, staring at the imperfections in the table; the small cracks, and miscellaneous marks that distinguish this table from the next. Even if she could find the courage to speak, she doesn't know what she would say. Words can't take back what she did, and neither can Haluk's.

"I got a call from one of the officials involved in the murder of a guard. He said that it had been an open case for a few weeks and the victim was a John Doe that just happened to be in a guards uniform. They had no other information, it was just a complete dead end. And then one of the guards here found a whole heap of half burnt pieces of paper with Aydin's name on them. They put two and two together and that's how I was told. They gave me a name, Lolly White something.. But I know it wasn't her... It was you."

Alex feels herself seize up. Her muscles tighten. Face numb. Heart stop. The words repeat over and over, ' _it was you'_. Each time the words replay it feels like another opening of a wound, stretched out and the shaking of salt into them until they overflow onto the cold floor.

"Aydin told me that Kubra wanted you killed." Haluk lifts his hands from underneath the table and places them on top, playing nervously with his knuckles like they hide his secrets. "And then Aydin's body is found dismembered in a prison that _you_ are an inmate in." The break in Haluk's voice _nearly_ makes Alex look up. It catches her by surprise but she stops herself from shifting her gaze because she knows the second their eyes meet, she can never un-see the pain in Haluk. She doesn't have to look up to know that his eyes are clouded with tears and the repetitive actions of sending his fingers over his knuckles is just a ploy to stop himself from cracking. She knows it all too well.

Haluk clears his throat, bringing himself back to a zone of safety where he feels ready to begin speaking again. "He wasn't a bad person Alex. You knew that. He was just doing his job."

Just where Haluk stops the tears from falling, Alex picks them up, sending them to her dark, dilated pupils. She scrunches her eyes, feeling a tear tickle her skin as it rolls down slowly.

"Aydin got the bad end of business. The guy that was doing his job in fear of being killed, got killed anyway" Haluk says in a dark, melancholic sequence of words.

There was never any good guys in the cartel, not even Alex. Only the one in charge, and the rest of the people underneath him. And somehow real relationships didn't exist working with a drug cartel. No matter how many vulnerable conversations, no matter how many nights out, it was all crossed out with a permanent marker the second someone had to follow Kubra's command. Alex remembers when she had a gun pressed ever so closely to her head, certain she would be shot on the spot. And somehow that same certainty wasn't there when she was being strangled in the greenhouse. She was almost waiting for Aydin to stop and let her know that he would never do that to her. But he never did. Alex keeps reminding herself that Aydin was _going_ to kill her. Not because he wanted to but because he had to.

"I don't know what I expected coming here. I somehow hoped you'd tell me that it wasn't you, that it was all a mistake. But you can't even look me in the eye and that tells me more than words could ever say."

Alex tries to look up. She tries and tries and tries but she just can't. She knows that guilt will be staring her right in the face along with the grieving pain that's embedded in the eyes of the broken man sitting in front of her. She beats herself up. She wonders why she doesn't have the strength to just face it all and confront her demons, but the more she asks herself these questions, the further away she gets from the answer.

"I just want to ask you one question... Did you let him suffer?" Haluk asks, with the words in his question pinning Alex against a wall, squeezing her throat tight enough to break it.

Alex vividly remembers holding one hand over Aydin's mouth, toilet paper pressed to his cold skin, the other pressing his nostrils together. And holding. And holding. And holding. Until Aydin's limbs fell loosely, heart stopped beating and there was no more breathing to be done. Alex remembers the pain. How she couldn't breathe, just like Aydin. How she couldn't believe what she had just done. Her hands, the hands that now belonged to a murderer. But killing Aydin that night wasn't the peak of his suffering. He laid under that tarp for hours, trying to force some air into his lungs. Trying to scream, or talk, or just make some form of noise and nothing ever came out except for a screech at such a low volume that he wasn't even sure if anything was actually coming out or if it was just his imagination.

Alex tries to swallow the lump in her throat, in hopes it will get lost and won't return, but it doesn't pan out that way. Her cries belt down the wall she put up trying to hold them back, and they are let out with ease. She tries to do it quietly. Don't draw attention to yourself. Don't let Haluk know the answer before you even say anything. Occasionally her breathing catches her off guard and she let's out a sniffle when her body remembers she hasn't breathed in, in a while.

From the corner of her blurry vision Alex can see Haluk arch his back and place his hands on his head, threading his fingers through his hair. That stereotypical, stressed out movement proves a mixture of anxiousness and anger all mixed into one.

"I didn't mean to Haluk." It's the first time Alex has spoke since saying Haluk's name. She can't imagine the scenarios formulating in his mind, the amount of queries and questions and the lack of answers that he's able to get his hands on. The only thing he wants are the answers and Alex doesn't really know how to give them to him, but she's ready to try and make his picture that little bit clearer.

Haluk moves in closer, hands rested on the table, eyes focused on Alex and her actions. "What do you mean you didn't mean to? How could you not have meant to?"

"I didn't mean for him to suffer... I, I thought he was already... I thought he was already gone..." She struggles to get the words out.

Haluk cuts in just after Alex is able to finish the last word. "Do you think about it?" The rate at which the question comes out makes Alex think that it was at the forefront of Haluk's mind from the very beginning, itching to make an appearance.

Alex pauses, long and hard, knowing the answer but not knowing how to put a simple 'yes' into words that feel right to say. It feels like everything is in slow motion except for her pulse which beats at what feels like a million beats per second and Alex swears if she looks down, she could see her heart beating, raising the skin above it.

She swallows, preparing herself, telling herself that she needs to be honest for Haluk. For Aydin. "I think about it every second of every f _ucking_ day. I wake up and I see him staring back at me. I feel him wherever I go. It feels like I can't even breathe most of the time. And you'd think that sleep would be an escape, but it just replays in my nightmares. It's everywhere. _He's_ everywhere. You think I wanted this? If it wasn't him, it would have been me."

"I'm going after Kubra." Haluk doesn't miss a beat, switching the direction of the conversation with ease, not taking into consideration Alex's statement.

"What?"

"I'm going after him Alex. But I need to warn you, he's not done with you. He knows. _He knows everything_. He's coming. And I'm scared for you."

Alex's stomach drops. Her hands start shaking, banging up against the leg of the table rattling it with a repetitive tone. This fight is not over, in fact, Alex is in more danger than she ever has been in her entire life. She knows Kubra will never stop until she's dead and the only thing that Alex can do is sit in prison and practically wait for it to happen.

"I best leave you to it. Let you get back to your prison duties." Haluk pushes himself up off his chair, and just as he turns to leave, Alex stops him with her words.

"Haluk, I'm so sorry it ended up this way."

"I know you're sorry, but Alex, I'm going to resent you for the rest of my life. There's _nothing_ you can ever say that will make me feel any better. What's done is done and there is no coming back from it now. And the worst part is, I think back to the days we used to go out together and I just never thought it would have ended like this."

Alex sits there, pausing for a few moments, taking in what she has just endured as she watches Haluk leave without another word. His face tight with aggression all the way through his visit and all Alex has left is the memory of it plastered into her mind.

The walk out of visitation is hazy. Alex couldn't tell you who else was in that room even if she tried. She's trying to focus on making her way to her bed, where she can hide under the covers, hide the tears, hide the guilt, hide all the damn pain. But her train of thought is stopped as she hears her name called from behind.

"Alex" Nicky echoes worryingly, half jogging towards her. "Who the fuck was that?"

Alex rolls her eyes, really not wanting to deal with explaining the situation.

Nicky places her hand delicately on Alex's forearm. "Vause, who the fuck was that?"

"Nobody" Alex replies defensively.

Nicky lowers her voice to a serious and hostile tone "Stop fucking lying to me, who was it?"

Alex looks around at the haziness that still partially surrounds her. She can see the slight outline of figures moving in all different directions, Nicky being the only thing that's clear. "It was Aydin's cousin"

"Fuck." Face dropping quickly into a shocked droop, Nicky squeezes her hand tighter onto Alex's skin, letting her know she's right there next to her. "What did the cousin say?"

"He knows."

"What, so now he's coming for you?"

"No, he's going for the kingpin, but the kingpin is still coming for me."

"The fucking amazing race"

"I think I'm going to die in here Nicky." Alex's voice pulls like a loose thread, unraveling the stitches even quicker than when they were created. She's back to square one. Back to the excruciating paranoia of being killed. The constant checking behind her back, double looking every inmate and putting everyone on her list as a suspect. Trust nobody. That's the objective.

"Shut the fuck up Vause. Don't say that shit."

"He nearly killed me once, he can do it again."

"But the key word you said was _nearly_. You're still here, you're still breathing."

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't. Sometimes I wish it was Aydin that had to go through all this emotional shit."

"Vause, stop. You know you've got a whole bunch of us in here that love you ok? Chapman fucking adores you even. Go and fuck her brains out, and I promise you'll feel better." Nicky lightly shoves Alex and presents a playful smile that's signature to Nicky's face.

"God Nicky."

"What. Oh sorry, you don't like my terminology? Go caress her soul with your heart. And by soul, I mean her pussy and by heart, I mean your mouth."

"You're horrid."

"I'm trying to lighten the mood huh, it's what I do." Nicky laughs joyfully, waiting for the same joy to transfer to Alex. "You know anyone that can take us both on another trip to our secret destination?"

Alex veers her head in the opposite direction to where Nicky is standing, with a heavy exhale. "I'm not doing that. You're sober now Nichols, stay that way."

"C'mon, it'll get you out of this funk, make you feel a whole lot better"

"I'm not a newbie to the drug world Nicky, I know how they make people feel, but I'm not doing this to you. Or me for that matter."

Nicky changes her stance into a compassionate and vulnerable slouch "Alright, alright.. How are you doing though? You seemed pretty shaken up when you were in visitation."

"I couldn't even look the poor fucking guy in the eyes. He just lost his cousin because of me and I didn't even give him the decency to explain things properly."

Nicky wraps her arms around Alex, holding her for a few seconds "I don't even know what to say kid."

Alex gently breaks away from Nicky's arm, still disheveled and agitated "I just want to go back to my bunk and clear my head a little."

...

As quickly as Alex was on her way to her bunk, Nicky was scrambling past dozens of inmates, veering through them like an ambulance in peak traffic trying to find Red. She finds her tucked away in the kitchen, still looking at the food in disappointment as she seems to do every chance she gets. "Hey Red, we gotta problem."

"Do I look like I need another problem in here Nicky?" Taking the glasses off the bridge of her nose, Red leans against the counter behind her, bracing herself for the news she doesn't want but she knows will receive.

"You know the big guy that was after Vause? Not the one that she killed but the one that sent him to kill her?" Red nods curiously "He's still after her."

"And how do you know this? Who told you?"

"Vause told me. She just had visitation with the guy she killed's cousin."

"She what?" Red blurts out, quickly looking around to see if anyone had heard her outburst. "I think he's just playing with her, trying to get her scared again. He has no reason to want to help Alex."

"But apparently he's the one going after the kingpin."

Red walks slowly towards Nicky, whispering in her ear "Ok, I don't care if this guy is telling lies or he's the real deal, but I want someone with Vause at all times. Let the family know about the situation, but don't tell Chapman, she'll open her big mouth before I even finish talking."

"Red, I'm scared for Vause."

"That's what families are for honey. We shake in our boots knowing that one of us is in danger. We fight and we judge and we say things that are all too cruel but we will do anything for one another. That girl Vause has been through hell and back. The least she can fucking have in here is a family. We need to protect her. She _deserves_ to be protected. Doing something she had to do has broken her, and Nicky we need to pick up the pieces even though we weren't the one's that made the mess in the first place. _That's_ what family is for."

 _ **Author notes:**_

 _ **This chapter jumps ahead a few weeks with the fresh addition of Haluk to the story. For the first time in her life, Alex has a family that is going to protect her. Not just her mom, not just Piper. A whole family. Whether she knows it or not is a question in itself and whether they will be able to protect her is another. Let me know what you guys are liking the most in this fic and i'll see you next week xx**_


	4. The Forgotten One

Soso.

The forgotten one.

The one haunted by memories of slow dancing with her lover in a dark, makeshift time machine that felt like anywhere but prison. The one left with the sweet imprint of Poussey's lips on hers. The one with hopes and dreams to travel to Fiji and watch the fish swim under a glass floor.

But it doesn't even feel real to her anymore. It's all faded to black and it sucks the colour out of all her memories.

She lets her tears run, because they're the only thing that can run away from the pain. And she cries more than any person should, and yet no one checks to see if her body's run dry.

The other inmates send their well wishes to the left over occupants of B dorm, where the girls of the ghetto continue to mourn by engulfing themselves with the gifts that only death can offer them in prison. Day after day, they are left with commissary goodies and homemade cards, and not once has Soso received anything other than solitude. She is the forgotten one.

But not to Piper.

Soso's alone when Piper sees her. Curled up in her blanket facing the wall, with her body twitching every so often. The closer Piper gets to the bunk, the more she listens in on the light sniffles, the kind you get when you've been crying too hard for too long and your body's trying to calm itself down from the shock.

Piper took the liberty to prepare a commissary soup for Soso. It's the least she could do. She knows it isn't going to make thing's better but putting effort into Soso's wellbeing has been a non-existent action.

For once, Piper isn't helping to get into people's business or for her own form of resolution to her problems.

 _She's come because she knows how close she came to being Soso._

To losing the person you love more than anyone else in the world. But at least Soso knew she had the love from the person she lost. Alex wouldn't have known if Piper loved her if she didn't make it out of the greenhouse. And nothing scares Piper more than that.

It could have been her.

Piper was _so_ close to losing Alex.

When she passed Norma singing into Soso's broken emotions on the night of Poussey's death, she wanted nothing more than to run to Alex and scream the words I love you again and again, just to make sure Alex knew. But Piper is sick of being selfish, and intruding on Alex's actions with a pen and paper was the epitome of selfishness.

"Soso" Piper says gently, carrying a steaming cup of soup in one hand. Soso turns around slowly, revealing the cracks in her eyes that are as red as blood. She doesn't say anything, just looks at Piper, or more _through_ Piper like her eyes aren't working properly.

Piper walks carefully to the edge of Soso's bed and sits, monitoring Soso's facial expressions and analysing the damage done by such a horrific event.

"I brought you some soup." Piper's got no idea what she should say. Soup seems to be the easiest option. Soso just stares into the distance looking like the walking dead with her body still pumping blood and her heart still beating, but she's so out of touch with how to actually become one with reality.

A long moment passes with Soso wide eyed, and Piper unsure on what her next move is to be. But she remembers her mission, the reason why she's here. To comfort. Piper shifts her body so she is able to place the cup of soup on the counter beside her.

She moves in closer to Soso, letting her fingers stroke her cheek delicately, as light as a feather "I'm so sorry sweetheart" Piper whispers.

Almost like Piper's words flicked a switch, Soso begins a violent spiral of tears. They are loud and messy and broken. Anything other than composed. She puts her hands over her face, trying to catch the tears or make herself feel like she's somewhere else. That this didn't really happen. That Poussey will come running around the corner and put her hands around her like she was the only thing that ever mattered.

But that can only exist in dreams now. Reality is a dark place.

"I just want it to get easier." Soso's breathing goes up and down in peaks and valleys making her words sound more like they are morphed through a sound filter rather than out of her mouth.

"I know you do." Piper says carefully, placing one of Soso's hands in hers.

Piper doesn't know what she would have wanted from people if this happened to her. She knows she wouldn't want fucking soup. Piper thinks she'd lose herself, completely lost and she doesn't think anyone would have the strength to find her again. As cliche as it sounds, losing the one you love takes away a piece of yourself with them. It's not something that can be mended and no matter how good you are at healing, the scars will still be prominent on the skin of a lost one. Piper feels her chest tighten just from watching Soso so broken.

"Have the other girls been supporting you?" Piper hopes that the answer is yes, that Soso's talking to _someone_ about her loss.

"Huh?"

"Black Cindy, Suzanne and Abdullah?"

"They haven't even looked at me" Soso's voice breaks and she bites her lip to stop it from quivering.

"I can't imagine how much you're hurting Soso" Piper lies. She _can_ imagine. She can imagine so _fucking_ vividly. She imagines waking up one morning and knowing that Alex won't ever come back. That she won't ever get to taste her, or hold her. It's hard to get the excruciating image out of her head. But imagining isn't even close to the real deal. "I know this won't change anything that happened, but I want to be a person you can talk to."

"Since when do you care about other people Piper? Are you going to try and get me to be your panty mule?" Soso slurs.

Piper hates the person she was. She hates the person that everyone still thinks she is. It disgusts her. Piper _does_ care. She was stupid and is easily contaminated by the concept of power and superiority in a prison situation, but _she cares_. And the repercussions of her actions are still weighing down on her relationships.

"That whole panty thing didn't quite work out Soso. I'm here because I want to help. I don't have any ulterior motives. I promise" Piper says quietly, making sure to retain eye contact.

"Don't lie Piper. Tell me why you're really here. I'm broken enough. I'd rather cry alone than sit here and listen to your lies" Soso whispers.

Piper looks around hesitantly as she feels the familiarity of tears bottling up behind her eyes. "I think about how easily it could have been me in your position. I think about it a lot actually. It could have been any of us." Piper's voice is wet and messy, but she attempts to keep it composed.

"We're not black Piper. It wouldn't have happened to us."

"I don't think Bayley did it as a sign of racial hatred Soso."

"But he did it. He killed her" Soso yells, scaring Piper out of her mind.

" _I'm so sorry_."

"Can you just leave Piper. Please just leave ."

...

Piper gently holds onto Alex's arm, sitting on the cold floor of her bunk. Alex is here. Alive. Breathing.

 _She survived._

Piper feels the need to stay connected to her. Touching her just incase she suddenly disappears into thin air. It's the clinginess she never thought she would consume, but Alex has never been the one to decline such advances, so Piper never really feels bad for it.

She plants light kisses to the top of Alex's arm, up and down and back around, not leaving a spot untouched by lips. She takes in the familiar smell, strawberry fields and a silky vanilla that reminds her of every good memory she's ever had.

But Alex remains neutral, her focus elsewhere and Piper can sense it. Alex would usually be the one to reciprocate the feelings, or complain about the large amount of C.O's patrolling the area, but her muscles are tense, facing in the direction of the bunks diagonal from her.

"You alright Al?" Piper says, planting another kiss on Alex's warm cheek.

Alex remains facing the same direction, looking into the distance, not shifting her focus to Piper.

Piper curiously follows Alex's gaze, traveling all the way until she hits the point of interest. Morello is standing next to her own bed, wide eyes glaring at Alex, then looking away once she catches her eye.

"You don't think that's suspicious Pipes?"

"What's her problem?"

"I've got no idea. It's like they're following me. Before Morello, Nicky was in here and before Nicky it was Norma like, spying on me."

Piper's face seizes up, not quite understanding the situation but becoming increasingly worried. This is the people they trust. _Their family_. And yet their doubtful actions make Piper uneasy.

Piper and Alex watch Morello sit down onto her bed, get back up, walk around and sit back down. No purpose. Only suspicious behaviour. All through Morello's movements, her eyes wander towards Piper and Alex, never giving them any acknowledgement, only veering away the second she feels like she's being watched.

"It's Morello, I'm just going to ask her what she wants." Piper jumps up, letting go of Alex in the process.

"Hang on Piper no, just..." Alex reaches for Piper, missing her as she walks off.

Morello is startled by the sudden visualisation of Piper in her bunk. She makes sure not to make eye contact, moving her feet around side to side, showing her anxiousness.

"Hey Lorna, are you ok?"

"I'm fine, why do you ask?"

"You seem very... _intrigued_ in Alex's actions"

Morello looks around, stoping at the view of Alex still staring at her. She walks to the right side of her bunk where she is out of sight from wandering eyes, curling her finger, signalling Piper to join her.

Piper does as told, still frazzled by the nature of Morello's actions.

Morello moves her head close to Piper, whispering "We're taking shifts to look after Alex."

"I think Alex is more than capable of looking after herself" Piper says defensively, snapping at Morello.

A confused look is morphed into Morello's facial features "no one told you?"

"Told me what?"

"The big scary drug lord is coming for Alex. She told Nicky about it."

Piper swallows, trying to digest the words that she was always afraid to hear. She convinced herself that Kubra would quit. She forced herself to think that way because it was the best outcome. Because it was the safest for Alex. Ignorance was bliss until you are no longer ignorant.

"Everyone knows and no one bothered to tell me?" Morello doesn't have an answer. "I know I've been a shit person Morello, but didn't you think that I, out of all people would want to protect Alex?"

"I don't know. You've been too busy to care about anyone lately." Morello says quietly, backing down from Piper's aggression.

Piper's blood only boils at a faster rate, feeling herself slide out of control. She takes the anger out on Morello, speaking low through the gaps in her teeth. "I fucking care Morello. I fucking care about her. I don't know where my head was at the last few months, but I'm sick of people thinking I am that same person, because I'm not. If you get any other information, you tell me. Straight away."

Piper storms back to Alex without waiting for Morello to speak. Her heavy walk and tight face is noted by Alex the second she looks up.

"What did she say?" Alex says quietly as the space to the left side of her is filled by Piper's body.

"Shhh" Piper presses her lips against Alex's, quickly moving herself into the entrance of her mouth, eyes closed, tasting Alex's delicate sweetness.

Alex pushes Piper lightly away, not wanting to but having to "There's C.O's everywhere Pipes."

"I care about you Alex. _I care about you_. I don't ever want you to feel unsafe" Piper says, only an inch away from Alex's lips.

Alex doesn't understand why the conversation has such a serious turn and why Piper is so jumpy. Scenarios start racing through her mind as to what Morello said to her and what could be the reason for all of this secrecy.

 _And then it hits her._

"Nicky told them all didn't she?"

Piper doesn't say a thing. She sighs loudly and that's more than an answer for Alex.

Alex and Piper's eyes veer upwards with the silhouette of Red making her appearance like it's on cue.

Red stands at the entrance of the cube and presents a forced smile with no words escaping her mouth.

Piper and Alex just watch her for a few moments until Alex finally breaks the silence. "Red, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I really just want to be alone right now."

Red opens her mouth to argue, to try and convince Alex that staying with her is the best option, but she looks to Alex's side and can see the way Piper is looking at Alex. She wishes she had the same light in her eyes when she met the father of her children, but all she was left with was a comfort zone she never dared to cross. She should be envious, but she is nothing more than glad that they have each other Without another word, she signals Morello to continue with her business and leaves Alex and Piper to mind theirs.

Piper gets up to leave in the same form that Red has.

"Where are you going?" Alex says with a light laugh.

"You said you wanted to be alone."

"Not from you. Just them, come back here."

Piper has a big smile on her face. It feels like the first snow flake that falls from the sky every winter or that first mouthful of food when you're starving. It feels like happiness.

Alex hope off the floor and sits on her bed, shuffling down to make room for Piper.

The second Alex feels Piper press down on the mattress of the bed, she reaches for her hand, stroking across her fingers. "You know, for the record, out of all the people in here you would be one of the least likely to win in a fight."

"Hey, what does that have to do with anything?" Piper laughs, playfully pushing on Alex's arm.

"You didn't let me finish..." Alex lowers the volume of her voice, she moves in closer to Piper's face having a quick flick of her eyes to see if anyone is watching. When the coast is clear, she says "And still somehow I feel the safest with you."

Alex catches Piper's words before they have the ability to leave her mouth. One long, soft, passionate kiss that they both never want to end.

Piper breaks away, feeling the need to actually say the words that Alex caught. "I'm here this time. The whole fucking way until we get out of here. And I'm scared. I'm probably more scared than you are but you're going to be ok."

"Even from you I don't believe it." Alex let's out a nervous laugh with her face quickly turning into a hard stone.

"I'm not going to be Soso. I'm not going to lose you."

"Saying it and it actually being a reality are two completely different things Piper."

"He can't bring in another guard, it's too obvious. And we just have to be smart. Don't let anyone else into our circle."

"Did you forget who you're talking about? Kubra is a psychotic mastermind. He will find a way to get me."

"We're just a psychotic as he is."

"At least that's one fucking the we actually have in common."

 _ **Author notes:**_

 _ **Something that I just couldn't get out of my head is the fact that most of the other inmates still see Piper as the "bad guy". The inconsiderate, uncaring bad guy that ruins people's lives and doesn't have a problem with it. But character development is something that happens at such a fast pace on the show and I wanted that to transcend into this chapter. P.S I'm going out of town, so the next chapter will most likely be late, but big things are coming. As always, enjoy the read x**_


	5. BUT SHE WAS NEVER HER

Piper has never gotten used to the buzzing of the tattoo gun. The way it feels like a thousand worms crawling all over her skin in a rhythmic fashion, like they are almost dancing to the beat of it. It's worse than the pain of the needle itself. At least Piper understands that a needle piercing in and out of her skin is going to be anything but satisfying, but a buzzing sound shouldn't be this uncomfortable.

She wonders if it's because of the memories. If it's the disgusted, inhumane feeling Piper gets every time she associates anything with Stella. The way she kissed her because she thought she wanted it, but really, she needed it. She didn't need Stella, she just needed _someone_. And Stella was right in front of her. The selfishness and the solitude had grown too large to be ignored, and without warning, she got caught in a rip and dragged out to the middle of the ocean. Piper couldn't save herself, she needed someone else and when Alex wasn't around, Piper jumped at the opportunity to be with another. To be saved. _Again_.

She can't stand to be alone.

Alex told her that.

She didn't believe it at the time. She couldn't believe anything at the time.

But although Stella trickles into Piper's mind here and then like a recurring nightmare, Stella was never Alex. Stella never made Piper fall in love like she never thought she could. Stella never made Piper look into her eyes and want her forever. Stella never made Piper swoon every time she was next to her. She never had that kind of power. She could never have that kind of impact.

When Piper kissed Stella, all she tasted were lips. But when Piper kisses Alex, she tastes desire and tenderness and purity and reciprocated love. She tastes her forever.

 _Stella was never Alex._

She never even compared.

Piper presses that exact fact deep inside her as the buzzing of the tattoo gun gets closer to her wrist until it begins to pierce the skin. Piper focuses, making sure the lines are straight as she draws an upside down V that look like a fork in the road, then connecting the two lines with close precision.

She looks down, reviewing her handy work, more than satisfied with it as she smirks to herself.

It looks exactly like it's supposed to.

 _It's an A._

An A for Alex.

Her skin tingles as the sensations spread to the rest of her body. It's a mixture of the creation of the tattoo itself, as well as the feeling of permanence. The permanence of Alex actually being on her body at all times. Piper can't think of anything more worth it, anything more desirable.

She makes a pact with herself, that if anyone catches a glimpse and asks about the tattoo she'll say it stands for acceptance. A load of bullshit to suppress the judgement that she's endured for far to long.

She's hesitant about showing Alex. She didn't even ask her. It was never even brought up in conversation. They love each other and that's never ready to diminish, but the turbulence of their relationship has been the _only_ thing that's ever permanent about it. Piper's not getting into anyone else's business, but she feels like she has to get more invested in her own to compensate. Take the time to love the people who matter, and let everything else fall like it's meant to without Piper planting any seeds or attempting to fix things that she doesn't need to fix. Stop holding the door open. No one asked her to.

Piper traces the A delicately with her fingertip, going up and down the swollen areas, knowing she shouldn't. It's fresh and tender, and yet somehow it doesn't feel like the rest of her tattoos in the slightest. It feels like it's meant to be there. Like she wasn't the one to imprint her skin, but the tattoo was already under just waiting to make it's appearance; to break free.

"The swastika wasn't enough?" Freida laughs obnoxiously, appearing out of what feels like nowhere. Piper jumps in shock, her fingernail scraping against her fresh tattoo making her cringe with pain.

"What is it?" Freida displeasingly pulls on Piper's wrist and has a good view of the tattoo, monitoring it like it's about to jump out of her skin. She pulls Piper's wrist too hard, making Piper scrunch up her face and be mindful of the red mark that's left below the tattoo after Freida let's go.

"It's an A for acceptance" Piper says in a low voice while she soothes the marks caused by Freida with her other hand.

"Or an A for Alex, but you can decide who's dumb enough to believe your lie sweetheart" Freida laughs again, sounding more sinister. It sounds like a stereotypical villain laugh. Deep and loud, filling up the space.

Piper pushes her lips together, knowing how obvious the meaning of the tattoo is. It's not that _she_ cares, she just knows that Alex will. Alex didn't ask for her initial to be tattooed onto Piper's body. And Piper's instincts say that she won't want Piper to show it off.

"Anyway, a little birdie told me you might have been in here so I thought I'd come to talk." Freida walks closer to Piper, standing over her with an intimidating shadow.

"About?"

Freida jolts, putting her hands tight around Piper's neck, squeezing, causing Piper to lean back in panic. Frieda begins to talk in a slow, calm voice while Piper wriggles beneath her hands, scrambling to be released. "I got a letter from one named Kubra and he wants me to warn you to stay away from Alex. She's a big girl and she can look after herself. We've already seen that once before. If you talk, I _will_ kill her. And then you. I was the one who buried Aydin's body, so I'll have no problem burying a few more."

Frieda abruptly let's go of Piper, pushing her to the ground beneath her with a loud thud as her head hits the ground. Piper doesn't feel it. All she can feel is the struggle to retrieve air as she heaves and pants with her mouth to the roof begging to let in a breath. Her knuckles whiten as her fingers attempt to grip onto something, anything, just looking for stability.

"You heard me Chapman?"

Piper nods, still panting and struggling to regain a normal rhythm of breathing. She lays still on the floor, chest falling and rising like she's just ran a marathon and yet her chest feels like it's been cut open. Like her lungs are laying out on the floor waiting to be stepped on and bruised to a recipe of shades of purple.

"Don't think you can play me Chapman. Don't ever be that ignorant."

...

The return.

The hard tears, the ones Piper _nearly_ forgot about- the kind that make her chest ache and eyes sore. The way the tears follow the contours of her cheek, slipping off the edge and onto her pillow.

She thought she was done with that.

She thought she was _fucking_ done with crying in fear.

But Piper was _so_ wrong. So completely and utterly wrong it makes her head hurt.

It feels like deja vu all over again. The way she lays helpless on her bed with only herself to fight the demons.

The demons are winning.

They are winning with ease.

Piper is meant to be there for Alex now, meant to be the constant protector in this fearful saga, but what is Piper meant to do now that protecting her means not being there for her?

Piper just wants to scream up at the sky with the very last of her power, making her throat strain with aggression and her knees dirty from begging. Ask the world ' _why me, why me, why me_ '. She was doing good. Trying to be a better fucking person. But all she's been left with are scars all over her body from the person she still feels like she's being punished for.

Over the sounds of her own cries and the haziness of her mind, Piper fails to realise Red enter the bunk. She feels a warm hand press onto the side of her arm, but feels like it's a dream until Red whispers close to her face.

"Tell me what happened honey."

Piper can't. Piper knows she can't. She places her hands over her face, pushing down and dragging them like she wants to rip the skin off. The palms of her hands are wet with tears and all she can let out of her mouth is two small words. "I can't."

"Yes you can. It's alright sweetheart. Tell me."

"They'll kill her if I do." It comes out wounded and wet.

Confused, Red asks "Who will they kill?"

" _Alex_." Piper's voice cracks straight down the middle, letting the grounds heat overflow and sear her skin leaving it blistered and raw.

"Is it someone in here?"

Piper slowly nods, while she tries to suck her tears back up.

"What do they want from you?"

"They want me to stay away from her Red."

"Then that's what you need to do."

"Red you can't say anything to anyone. Not the family, _no one_. They'll know."

Red nods. "Tell me who it is"

"I can't Red. I can't do it."

Alex cheerily walks into the bunk, feeling comfortable enough to not feel the need to knock or introduce herself. She's smiling, a rare occurrence, but the second she has a good view of Piper and the remnants of her destruction, it's wiped off her face.

"Alex, you have to leave." Red makes a barrier between Alex and Piper before Alex steps any closer. She puts her palms up in protection, watching Alex's confusion grow with every second, but Red never elaborates on her statement. "Alex, I'm not playing games, leave."

"What? Why would I leave?" Alex is defensive, unaware of the situation. She thinks Red is speaking inaccurately for Piper, with Piper's own beliefs hidden away behind Red's ego. Piper wouldn't tell her to leave. Never. This isn't something that she does. _She knows her._

Alex waits for Piper to come to her rescue, to say something to get Alex out of this predicament but she doesn't. Piper doesn't say anything. She looks hurt and bruised and all Alex can see is Piper's eyes screaming for help like she is trapped behind them.

"Do you want me to leave Pipes?" She sounds like a little kid. A small and fragile toned collaboration of words that she wants the answer to immediately.

It's the way Alex looks at Piper that makes her lose herself. The desperation in her eyes. The desperation to help Piper, when Piper is really the one needing to help Alex. She doesn't know that though. And the worst part is Piper can't tell her. Piper starts violently crying, hands trembling as she brings them up to her face once again. She feels like she's being electrocuted. Like she's standing in a pool full of water with a live wire merely touching it, sending shockwaves all through her body. "I don't want you to, but you have to leave Al." It's barely audible.

"Why?" Alex says with a dejected look smeared across her face.

"Alex, _leave_." Red says in a stern voice.

Alex disregards Red, looking directly towards Piper for answer. "Piper why do I have to leave for? What's going on?"

Piper wails. A wail of pain and anger and fear. Something she doesn't want Alex to witness. But it's out in the open on full display in the most humiliating form possible with the inability to even explain. "I can't... I, I... I love you. Just go."

Alex doesn't move, retaining her gaze with Piper's lonely eyes. She can't even see the eyes she gets lost in every time she looks at Piper. All she can see is red and a hollowness she has only seen on the rare occasion. She's seen it when Piper is at her lowest. When all she can do is cry because she physically and mentally can't do anything more. It kills Alex to watch it unfold in front of her again. And there's nothing she can do to bring her back.

"Leave _now_ Alex." Red interrupts the powerful eye contact stretching from across the room.

Alex watches Piper in pain. Watches her lose control in panic. She just wants to go over and hold her. Make everything feel a little better. But now the paranoia is seeping back into her mind. The cause of Piper's hysteria is forming it's own set of stories. Their own cliffhangers that leave Alex on the edge as she feels the ground beneath her begin to crumble. Alex's hands are hot with anticipation, but for some stupid fucking cause, Alex believes every damn word that Piper says. She knows she needs to leave. For whatever stupid ass reason. She needs to go.

Someone's in danger, and naively, Alex doesn't think it's her this time.

 _Author notes:_

Apologies for the slight delay, life gets in the way sometimes.

I've always been engulfed by the way Alex talks about Kubra, like he would stop at nothing to get his revenge, and the best form of revenge is getting the one thing that Alex loves the most... Piper. I couldn't get that picture out of my head. And the seasoned murder veteran Freida isn't going to mind using her skills to receive something in return from Kubra. Without the obstacles of other inmates, it would be a perfect plan, but people speak. Kubra vs Alex, Freida vs Piper.

See you all next week!


	6. I Love You Crazy

_Guilt_. The doorway into a darker level of hell. The eeriness of a flickering light in a dim hallway. The haziness that doesn't leave. You rub your eyes, but it's not your eyes that can't see. It's the world around you punishing you for what you've done and you know it.

It feels like you've been staring at the light, waiting for it to turn on and all of a sudden the high beams blind you.

You want it gone. But without resolution, it stays. You can't break it. It's not glass. You can't just drop it on the ground and watch it shatter into a million pieces.

You aren't that bad of a person. You know you aren't. Or maybe you just convinced yourself that you're not. It all feels the same these days.

The guilt that stains you feels like neon lights in the dark. You may as well be carrying a sign stating what you did. You feel like they all know anyway. She was never good at keeping secrets.

It feels like you're speeding through unfamiliar streets. You don't know which left to turn and you're going too fast to read the street signs. You're chasing the bold. Chasing it before it chases you.

The guilt feels like home. A dirtier, more toxic version of the home you always wanted to have. But it's a home all the same. There's cobwebs in the corners and the windows are all boarded up, but it's a roof over your head and the demons are there to keep you company, so you are never alone. Resolution discounts the time spent there and that's why you scramble for it. You scramble for a person that can help you excavate your home of guilt.

And that's why Frieda goes to Red. She invites herself, hoping that Red will have a bulldozer handy to help with the demolition.

"Red, I don't know who to talk to" frazzled, Frieda makes herself acquainted with Red's bed as she watches the red head apply her eyeliner in the mirror she was able to get returned to her through a course of commissary bribes.

"I'm guessing you came to me to conclude huh?" Red says with her mouth open, concentrating on the lines she makes on her eyelid.

"Basically"

"Well... Spill." Red puts down her eyeliner on the counter beside her before she leans up against the cold wall with her undivided attention on Frieda

"I did something bad. And not my regular bad. Not my 'I'm going to do something bad because someone deserves it' kinda bad." Frieda pauses, waiting for Red to say something, but all she is greeted with is a face that screams 'where's the rest of the story'. "The guy that tried to kill Alex... Well he got in contact with me." She runs her fingers across the octopus tattoo that peeks out of her prison garments anxiously. "He told me to hurt Piper so she was fearful of him.. And me."

"And what did you do?"

"I strangled her" Frieda says it with ease but it's glazed with guilt.

Red looks like she's seen a ghost. This isn't the Frieda she knows. This isn't something Frieda does to good people. It comes as such a shock because Piper never told Red about that. She never mentioned any strangling. And Red knows that Piper's body mutilation has become a common occurrence in the last few months. This isn't something to be taken lightly. She knows Piper's wounds are growing instead of healing, and as a family, this shouldn't be added to.

"Red, it wasn't a full blown strangle, I didn't actually want to hurt her. It was the least painful thing I thought of doing to her." Frieda tries to justify her actions, knowing how wrong it is but wanting a form of resolve. "Red, I feel like I'm being watched. Like this Kubra guy has eyes all around me. How the fuck did I get dragged into this? Why me?"

"I think those same two words when everyone comes to me with their problems looking for resolutions" Red scoffs.

"You're the mom here Red. That's why."

"So what did you get out of doing this favour for the kingpin? It doesn't sound like you to just do it for money."

"I had no choice Red. In the letter he sent me he had the details of all my family on the outside. Addresses, phone numbers, work locations, social security details. The whole lot." Frieda sighs heavily, caught on the terrifying reality she is being subjected to. "I know I haven't got kids on the outside, but fuck, I care about the family I've got. People like Kubra aren't afraid of hurting anyone that stands in his way."

Red moves herself quietly, to where she is sitting next to Frieda on the bed. She whispers "You didn't tell Piper this why?"

"Red, I know you're not a spring chicken anymore, but for the hundredth time, _he's watching me_."

"Then why are you telling me if you think you're being watched?"

"I've got no fucking idea to be perfectly honest with you" Frieda laughs nervously. She knows she can trust Red, but she is more than certain that she can't trust anyone else. For all she knows, someone could be listening in to this very conversation.

"After dinner, we'll sort this whole thing out Frieda This needs to be dealt with."

...

Piper sits at the opposite end of the table from Alex, even though Alex makes an effort to confabulate. The cafeteria is filled with voices and yet Piper doesn't say a word. She's almost terrified to even speak. Not for her sake... But for Alex. For her safety and her wellbeing. But it's _killing_ her. It's so incredibly excruciating, but without caution, comes the consequences of ignorance.

Alex is still trying to figure out why. Is it something that she did? Is it Piper? Is there someone else? Alex being accustomed to paranoia makes the thoughts scream even louder. She can't even hear herself speak anymore.

She watches meticulously as Red whispers into Piper's ear, keeping an eye on Alex as she does it. _Paranoia the destroyer,_ she remembers Piper saying. The fucking Kinks. That's when Piper thought she was crazy. Now watching this all unfold, Alex thinks she might be in that same position again. Everything was fine. Well not everything. But everything with Piper was fine. Piper was there for Alex. She wasn't running anymore. But the words 'I'm here' that came from Piper's mouth are starting to taste like dirt.

"I'll meet you there, just give me a second." Alex can hear Red say into Piper's ear. It sounds important. It sounds anything other than a mundane conversation.

Without another twitch from her mouth, Piper rises from her seat, looking at Alex as she goes. She has this overwhelming sadness covering her face like a mask, and all Alex can do is watch her leave. Much like she did in Paris. There's no point running after someone that's just going to leave anyway.

...

Staring at the bare chapel ceiling, Piper taps her knuckles on the hardwood floor in an anxious mess. It's something she used to do as a teen. She would tap on whatever surface available as a means of finding something else for her mind to do other than worry. No rhythm, no real beat; just whenever her skin decides to knock on the surface, that's when the noise would appear. She wants her mind to wander, to stare off into space and not feel things for a while. She wants the fear gone. To be able to walk, or talk, or do anything without that constant shadow behind her, making everything in front of her dark.

Piper hears the creak of the door open, guiding her head to lift up as push herself off the floor. Her eyes adjust to the distance and she focuses to see three figures: Red, Alex and Frieda.

Her stomach drops, strangled in panic. This is it. This is where they kill Alex. _In a chapel._ Oh the irony. And Red, this is why she told Piper to go to the chapel. This has to be it. Piper can't think of anything else. "No, fuck off. Alex run." Piper screams, her words echoing through every corner of the chapel.

Noting Piper's panic, Red is quick and soft with her words. "Piper relax."

"Stop, Frieda get the fuck out of here. Alex, she's going to kill us." Piper jumps down from the chapel stage, her legs feeling weak as she lands. She remains still as the three women walk towards her in a calm fashion while Piper hysterically begins to cry.

"I came here to talk about it Chapman. I'm not going to kill anyone." Frieda says, with her hands up to show mercy.

Alex is the first one to reach Piper, placing her hands around her and holding her tightly. She whispers "It's ok, just breathe for a second Pipes. It's all alright." Piper's face is cradled into Alex's chest, her tears creating a wet patch under her. Alex doesn't dare let her go.

"Alex, you have to leave here." Piper lifts her head up to meet Alex's, revealing her fearful eyes and the glistening line of tears on either side of her face.

"No I don't, it's all going to be ok Pipes. Frieda told me everything." The second Piper left for the chapel, Alex was greeted with an apologetic and sincere Frieda who explained the situation. As much as Alex wanted to strangle Frieda for even putting her hands onto Piper in a way that put her in a position of hurt, Alex knows Kubra and she knows the games he plays.

"She's fucking lying to you Alex." Piper says, making sure it's loud enough for Frieda to hear.

"Chapman, Kubra is using my family to have me do this. I'm sorry for the whole intimidating strangulation thing, but no offence, I'd rather hurt you than have people hurt my family." Frieda watches Piper make sense of it all. She can see Piper validating what she is saying and realising that Frieda is in no position to _want_ to hurt her. "He told me to say everything that I did to you. I'm not going to kill you, or Alex. Just stop Chapman, you guys are safe from me."

Piper continues to cry violently. She doesn't even know why. Maybe it's relief, or maybe it's because she wants everything to end and she knows it won't. "Why is everything so fucked up for?" Piper says softly, face to face with Alex. The air escaping behind her words brushing on Alex's lips.

"Because we are dealing with Kubra."

"Piper, this is the best possible outcome. You're lucky it was Frieda. You're _so damn lucky._ " Red says with a big sigh, nearly as relieved as Piper is that this turned out the way it did.

"You two want to just leave us alone? I think she got the message though Frieda Thank you" Alex says gently, retaining the closest embrace possible to Piper.

Alex watches both Red and Frieda leave without another word, walking side by side with their feet hitting the floor in unison.

Red flashes a smile to Alex as she closes the chapel doors to retain their privacy. _Her kids_. Her stupid kids that she loves dearly. That's all Red can think about. How lucky they are to have each other in such a messed up, degrading world that sucks the love and life out of too many. Red didn't quite believe people could still retain it, but every time she watches Piper and Alex together, it gives her optimism. That maybe people still love each other.

...

Alex sits on the chapel stage, Piper in her lap. She strokes Piper's skin with her fingertips, watching goosebumps rise to the surface as she trickles over. It reminds her of when Piper was doing the same to her when she got back to Litchfield. How even in such a horrific time, Piper made everything a little less painful. She remembers how Piper kissed her, and how for a moment everything just stopped. She hopes that this is the same experience for Piper. That Alex can be the drug that keeps her together and makes her forget some of the bad.

Alex has been doing this for a while now, waiting until Piper's breathing is steady and she's as calm and relaxed as she can possibly be.

"How you doing Pipes?" Alex whispers, keeping the same fluid fingertip motions as she has been.

"Better" Piper smiles. It's a weak smile, but it's sincere enough to stop Alex from worrying too much.

Piper tilts her head up, knowing she is unable to reach Alex's lips but wanting them together. Alex quickly gets the message and greet Piper's lips with hers in a tender kiss that holds on long enough to have just the right effect on Piper.

She smiles again once their lips break apart. This time, a lot stronger.

"So what, you were just going to not ever come close to me and tell me to go away every time I came to you?" Alex says, laughing at the accusation but knowing there is truth behind it.

"If that meant you were safe, then yeah"

"You are one crazy kid Pipes."

"I'm crazy for wanting you to live?"

"It's the lengths you go to, to keep me safe, _that's_ the crazy part. But that's what I love about you."

Alex puts her hand on top of Piper's that lays above her heart. They both look at each others eyes and smile in unison, acknowledging the feelings that don't have to be verbalised.

"I have something to show you." Piper says hesitantly with Alex's ears perking up like an excited dog, waiting.

Piper slowly rolls up her sleeve to reveal the fresh tattoo that she had given herself only a few days ago. She tilts her wrist up so Alex has an uninterrupted view of it. "It hasn't healed yet."

"Is that, is that an A Piper?"

Piper nods silently, watching Alex's expressions in anticipation.

"Jesus Piper."

Alex doesn't touch Piper, she just stares at the tattoo. She's trying to figure out what she feels, but she doesn't know what she feels. How are you meant to feel when someone has your initial tattooed on their body? Alex thinks that people should feel happy, but she almost feels guilty. She doesn't exactly know why, but it doesn't feel like anything she wants Piper to do to herself.

"You don't have to say anything. It was my choice to do this Al"

"But why?" Alex says softly.

" _Because a tattoo hurts a lot less than losing you_ " The words feel like a drum beating inside her. The bass shaking all of her vital organs and tossing them around like a washing machine until it finally stops.

Alex sighs loudly, like the answer to her questions are resolved by Piper's words. "You're even crazier than I thought you were Pipes." Alex laughs.

"But you love my crazy, so who is really the crazy one here...?"

"Still you" Alex gives a playful wink in Piper's direction, pushing softly on her arm.

"Asshole"

"I can deal with that"

"I'm sure you can"

"I love you crazy."

"I love you asshole."

…...

 _Author notes:_

 _I listened to what you guys had to say about the last chapter and it felt right to veer this story in this direction after it. The beginning of this chapter isn't usually the way I introduce any chapter, but let me know if you'd rather see more description of concepts themselves, or more dialogue. At the end of the day, i'm writing for you guys._

 _I should be back to updating every week and hopefully you guys will be here to enjoy the ride just as I am. See you then xx_


	7. I CAN'T HAVE YOU LIKE THIS

The ability to see without obstruction. The clarity of the environment around you. The halt of the demolition of a labyrinth, but the giving of a map to help you through. It's clearer than ever before, and that's how Piper feels right this very moment. She can see the end of this, and it's never felt more euphoric.

Although Alex's safety is still in cold water, Piper feels like she can take a deep breath in and not feel like knives are stabbing her insides. She's cautious, but not living in fear. She understands the world around her like never before, knowing that she can't trust anyone, but indulging herself in the love she has for the people that make up her prison family. She doesn't take them for granted. She keeps them close, and her happiness even closer for the little things she has.

As Piper walks by each bunk, she slows her pace down as she can see a big haired Nicky focused on something hidden away by her side.

Nicky can see the glimpse of Piper's figure at the corner of her eye and she is pleasantly surprised to see her. "Chaparoonie" Nicky has a giant smile on her face, flashing her pearly whites in Piper's direction.

"Nicky" Piper says warmly, returning the smile as she walks closer to Nicky.

"I got something" Nicky jiggles like a kid in a candy store, exposing a plastic bag with a yellowish-brown liquid swooshing inside as Nicky forces it into Piper's views.

"What is that?"

"So here's what we are going to do... You are going to get your girlfriend and I'll get her highness Miss Morello and we are going to have a party."

Piper stares at the liquid in the plastic bag, viciously attempting to decipher what it is. It takes her a moment too long, but she knows exactly what it is. "Fucking hooch Nichols?"

"You got it blondie. Go get her." Nicky winks, twitching her head in the direction of the exit.

...

Through the uncertainty of the future, Alex took it upon herself to speak to Frieda in her bunk, looking for a way out of her predicament.

"What happens when Kubra finds everything out Frieda?"

"How do you think he will find out?" Frieda laughs, knowing how many possibilities there is to that question. From the small affiliation she has had with Kubra, she already knows that he is not playing games in the slightest. He is in for the most gruesome revenge possible and will stop at nothing to get it.

"He's secretive. Maybe someone from admin is in on it. Or he could have another one of us."

"And how do you suggest we find out?"

"Why are you asking me? I was an exporter, not a detective." Alex says defensively. She isn't made for this. This isn't what she was taught. She knows how to get large amount of drugs from point A to point B, not getting herself into the mind of a psychotic drug kingpin in an attempt to understand what he will do next to her.

"Because this is _your_ man. You know this guy."

"Frieda, how did the letter get through all of the checks? They wouldn't let this kind of stuff into the prison. It's a threatening letter... Exactly what they don't want coming in."

Frieda's eyes light up like a Christmas tree, truly taken back by the way Alex is handling this situation. She doesn't understand why Alex has come to her for advice, because frankly Alex is doing all the work herself. "It's the fucking guards. See Vause, you could've been a detective."

"I'd just rather not get killed Frieda"

"Do we have anyone on the inside?"

"Wasn't that something Red was doing when we had that family meeting out on the grass?"

Frieda gets up without explanation and walks out of her bunk to where she can see Red with her head inside a book on her bed.

With the perfect volume to catch her attention, but not have any guards turning around, Frieda yells "Reznikov"

Red looks up from her book, dropping her glasses to her chest as her eyes adjust to the long distance viewing of Frieda.

Frieda curls her finger towards herself, signalling Red to come to her bunk.

"What can I help you ladies with this time?" Red says loud and proud, leaning against the wall in front of Frieda and Alex.

"Do we have anyone in admin that's on our side?" Alex says quietly, wary of who is surrounding them.

Red's face drops in disappointment "Believe me, I've tried but these new fuckers don't let anyone in." All the years that Red has been in prison, she has always found a guard willing to help them out. She's good at that. But right now the prison is more strict than ever and finding her way into a guards mind proves more difficult than she anticipated.

"What happened to Healy, I thought you two were close?" Frieda questions.

"Healy disappeared off the face of the earth. Maybe it's because that son of a bitch TV chef left." Red scares herself at how aggressive she has become speaking about Healy. He was the good guy to her. She knows they had this indescribable connection but she never would have acted on it. It just lingered. Filling up the space like an elephant in the room. But the elephant got walked out the second Judy King entered Litchfield.

"Rumour has it that some of these new guards are sharing a place... They could all be in on it." Alex whispers.

"Fuck Vause, you are really fucking good at this." Frieda laughs, softly pushing against Alex's arm playfully.

"Listen to me when I tell you Alex, they are going to watch your every move. As much as you're not going to want to look behind your back at every corner, do it anyway. It's life or death." Red's voice is deep and serious, looking directly into Alex's eyes to make sure that every word seeps in.

Frieda, Red and Alex all turn simultaneously when they hear a knock on the wall coming from the entrance of the bunk. Their eyes in fear, but it quickly settles when they see Piper.

"Sorry, I was just going to see if Alex wanted to come with Nicky and I ... But don't worry about it, you guys are talking. Sorry for interrupting." Piper says quietly and hesitantly, about to walk away as she can sense the importance of the conversation she interrupted.

"We're done here?" Alex questions in Frieda and Red's direction.

"You can go sweetheart." Red smiles genuinely. "Just remember what I said."

Alex nods at Red's comment and gives Frieda a warm smile as she does the same.

Leaving the bunk, Alex grabs Piper's hand gently and doesn't hesitate to give her a soft kiss on her smooth cheek.

"Hooch party sound ok?" Piper asks, nudging Alex as she giggles.

Alex's eyes widen. She laughs "where the fuck did you guys get hooch?"

"It was Nicky. You know how she is, full of mystery."

"I'll tell you what else is a mystery?"

"What?"

"When's the next time we're going to have sex?" Alex winks at Piper seductively and kisses her neck as they walk.

"Al, we have gone through hell and back. I think it was the least of our worries."

"Have I ever mentioned that I love having sex with you?" Alex smiles playfully and Piper can't help but do the same. It's more than just sex, especially now. It's the connection of two people who love each other dearly. Piper can't help thinking of how corny it sounds, but there's nothing corny about the feeling of Alex touching her body.

"Easy there tiger. We have some hooch to drink"

Alex and Piper walk into Lorna and Nicky in Piper's bunk already digging into the hooch, both of them looking extremely drunk and all it took was a few minutes.

"If it isn't Vausey." Nicky laughs hysterically as Alex enters the bunk.

"Don't ever call me that again Nicky, I swear." Alex halts, staring at the hooch and letting out a small moan. "Does it taste as good as it looks?"

Nicky gives her hand out with the plastic bag laying loosely in between her fingers. "See for yourself."

Alex doesn't even hesitate. She takes a large gulp straight out of the bag. It's strong. Like REALLY strong. But on the rare occasion that hooch is available, strong is exactly how Alex likes it. It makes her remember how much she is missing and how something as small as alcohol can hold so much want.

Alex passes the hooch over to Piper. "Dig in"

Piper has a gulp, with a twisted face when the alcohol burns the back of her throat all the way down. But Piper keeps going. She keeps drinking gulp after gulp and Alex does nothing more than laugh at the excessive amount that Piper is downing. If the hooch was strong for Alex, she can't imagine how much it is impacting Piper.

"Chapman you fucker, pass it over." Nicky pulls the bag directly out of Piper's hands with a deep laugh. As she down the hooch herself, Alex and Lorna have smirks implanted on themselves as they continue to stare at Piper and are in awe at just how much she drank.

"What? It's good." Piper says as she wipes her mouth of the excess hooch that lingers around her mouth.

"I cannot wait for it to hit you Pipes. You're the biggest lightweight I know and that stuff isn't easy to swallow."

"I'll be fine Al."

Alex, Piper, Lorna and Nicky continue to talk for a little while longer as the hooch empties itself out into their mouths. They share absurd drunk stories and embarrassing moments they had out of prison and Piper smirks at the fact that every story Alex shares is one she is already familiar with.

Shortly after stories pass around the circle, Piper is _completely_ buzzed. The hooch hit her harder than she ever thought it would and so do the stories.

Through her clouded mind, she lands herself on the memories of her and Alex dancing in nightclubs in Santorini, sleeping with nothing but each others warmth in 5 star hotels in Brussels and kissing under the stars in the Bahamas.

She can't help but rest her hand on top of Alex's, stroking it back and forth as they rest their backs on the wall to the side of the bed. She does this continuously until she curls herself around Alex's arm.

Piper starts nonchalantly kissing Alex's neck as if it's nothing, trying to hide it from Nicky and Lorna but she is failing miserably. Alex's doesn't budge, she just enjoys Piper's lips while they're there.

"Uh oh there it is. Take her to the fucking chapel Vause. Hurry before she explodes." Nicky laughs hysterically with Lorna joining in.

"Am I not aloud to kiss this beautiful woman?" Piper slurs in the most serious tone she is able to produce. She is so far from sobriety. Completely gone. How jumbled Piper's word are provides comedic relief to the other girls.

Alex laughs, trying to retain it. "Pipes, baby, you're drunk."

Piper just shakes her head. "No, I'm fine." Piper whispers in Alex's ear. "I just, I just want you Al."

Alex nearly loses it. Piper has only been this forward on several occasions about her desires and Alex craves Piper's touch all too much to let this slide.

Alex looks into Piper's eyes and all she can see is a deep, dark desire that doesn't come out to play all that often, but it's something that Alex can never get enough of.

"You two make me want to throw up." Nicky places Piper's pillow in front of her face to block her view of Alex and Piper in their heated eye stare.

"Let's go Pipes." Alex stands up walking fast with Piper jumping up and following her from behind without another word. They hear laughter from Nicky and Lorna slowly fade away, but they just ignore it. They don't care. It's the least of their worries right now.

Piper can't even walk properly through the straight corridor. She slams into the wall with a hard thud and Alex turns immediately at the sound to watch Piper try to brush off her fall.

Alex takes a moment to assess the situation. Although Alex is a little buzzed herself, she knows she can't do anything to Piper when she is in this sort of state. Alex wants Piper. She wants her right now, but she knows that Piper is not in a condition to be trying to please or be pleased.

Alex makes her way over to Piper and holds her by the arm to try and keep her steady.

"Hurry up" Piper slurs.

"Pipes, you're too drunk. I can't." Alex says apologetically.

"No, Alex. Now. The closet." Piper demands, leaning in to kiss Alex intensely, tasting all that Alex has to offer and does so with the dance of her tongue that fits so well with Alex's. It's not that typical sloppy kiss that seems so familiar to most people.. Through years of experience, they have perfected the craft, knowing exactly what the other likes and what technique works for them. It's hypnotic. Like they are under some sort of spell that is hard to break, and even after it's over, they feel like the world got a whole lot better.

Alex breaks away earlier than she wanted to. "Piper..." Alex says before she is cut off by Piper's words.

" _Now_ Al." Piper says viciously.

Before Alex can think about how bad of an idea this is, Piper takes her hand and off balance, she walks Alex to the closet.

Alex opens the door, possessed by desire, and ushers Piper in before her and she shuts the door behind making sure to do it quietly.

As their eyes adjust to the dark, Piper places her hands on either side of Alex's face and presses their lips together. She let's her lips caress Alex's, biting hard on her lower lip, causing Alex to let out a suppressed moan straight into Piper's mouth like it's a secret only she is aloud to hear.

Piper's warm breath tingles as she ushers Alex's hand under her shirt, from under her breasts, all the way down her toned stomach until she hits the waistband of her prison garments.

Alex is immediately thrown into her realisation The realisation that she can't continue. Not like this. Alex wants to make love with Piper when she is drunk on passion and happiness, not alcohol. Piper's passed the point of understanding her choices, and Alex feels responsible for keeping her safe from making the bad ones her reality.

"Piper, you're too drunk for me to do this."

"Shut up" Piper says into Alex's mouth. Piper does exactly that as her tongue dives back into Alex's mouth. It's feel so good, and it feels so wrong on Alex's half, but Alex doesn't object. She doesn't stop. She's too lost in Piper's taste, but she is pulled out once she hears a knock at the door.

"Fuck" Alex whispers as Piper is still latching onto her lips. "Stop Pipes." Alex puts her finger to Piper's lips with Piper quickly giving it a seductive lick that drags all the way from Alex's knuckle to the edge of her fingertip.

Alex and Piper remain voiceless, with Alex hoping that the person on the other side of the door will just go away and leave them alone.

But that's not the case.

The door opens.

Alex rips her finger from Piper's lips before turning around to see Red standing in the painful light.

"Thank god. I was hoping my eyes wouldn't be tainted by horrific actions when I opened the door." Red laughs.

"What do you want Red? You don't see this as a bad time?" Alex scrunches her face and grits her teeth as the words pass through.

"I don't know about you, but if someone was trying to kill me I would want to know." Red moves her hand onto her hip, looking at Alex like she's the inferior party.

Piper reaches for Alex with slender fingers and stumbles over, crashing into the pile of brooms in the corner that topple to the ground.

Alex manages to catch her before she ends up on the floor and pulls her up, wary that Red is watching.

Red is more than concerned, knowing that Piper's an easy target for the guards as well as being disappointed in Alex for taking advantage of Piper in this situation. "You seriously fucked her like that? She probably doesn't even know her own name."

"I didn't fuck her Red." Alex says clearly, making sure that Red has heard her every word.

Red takes a moment to analyse the situation and think of a resolution that will best fit the future. "Ok, the first thing we need to do is take this one back to her bunk. Get her some water and make sure she has something to puke in that won't make the guards suspicious."

" _Red, is that your actual name_?" Piper slurs, hardly able to pronounce her words.

"Piper shh" Alex and Red put their hands around either side of Piper and walk her to the bunk with their eyes cautious of every movement around them. Piper looks even worse than before which is hard to believe. She can barely even stand by herself.

" _I love you Alex Vause. My person who I love. I love you. So much love._ " The words run into one another, hardly able to make out what she is actually saying, but Piper smiles to herself as she's being helped to place one foot in front of the other.

Red and Alex manage to get Piper to her bunk pretty easily with the absence of any guards crossing their path. Piper lands heavily on to her bed as her balance places her head close to the wall and her legs off the edge on the floor.

"Drink." Red shoves a cup of water in Piper's face attempting to force it down her throat.

"I don't want it" Piper palms the air, missing the cup altogether.

"Piper, it will make you feel better later, I promise babe." Alex strokes Piper's forehead as she stares at Alex admirably.

"Do you love me Alex?" Piper asks.

Alex smiles to herself, knowing how easy the answer comes to her. "Yes Pipes, and I'll love you even more if you drink the water."

Without hesitation, Piper reaches her head up, sipping the water that Alex has taken from Red and has placed up to Piper's lips. She sips until it's empty.

"Lay down Piper. You need rest." Alex says gently.

Piper shakes her head. "I need _you_ "

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." Alex strokes Piper's forehead, brushing the stray hairs behind her ear, soaking in the beautiful view of the blondes face.

"Wow, I never knew she would be this type of drunk." Red laughs, too hard for the situation at hand.

Alex ignores her and proceeds to tuck Piper into the familiar prison blankets, pushing it underneath her to make sure she is warm and taking the care that she knows Piper deserves.

Piper quickly closes her eyes, holding the blanket close to her relaxed face.

"So what was so urgent Red?" Alex says in a whisper, cautious of Piper's state.

"C.O Dixon."

"The fat one?"

"He's spoken with Kubra. Don't ask how I know, because I can't tell you. But I think he's planning your attack."

"Fuck." Alex feels that familiar sense of panic consume her body. Her chest tight and her head suddenly throbbing in pain. Legs weak and hands shaking. She doesn't need this. She doesn't want this. She wishes she could just run away. Get out of prison and fly straight to the other side of the world and live her life with Piper. As simple and as mediocre as that may be. But it's so much better than constantly running for the rest of her life until Kubra finally gets put into prison or someone kills him.

Alex's panic is cut short as she hears Piper rustle violently in her bed as she lets out a moan. Slowly Piper opens her eyes and catches Alex's.

Alex recognises that face. She's seen it before. The morning after a big night, when Piper wants nothing more than to sleep all day.

"Alex, I'm going to puke"

 _Author notes:_

 _First of all, sorry for the day delay, I hope i'm forgiven! And second of all, I feel like this is a very different turn to what I initially thought this chapter would be like. I don't plan out the story as a whole, I just go chapter by chapter and in the moment, this is what sprung to the page. I don't think i've ever thought of Alex Vause as someone who would turn down sex, but with Piper she can't take advantage of her drunken state. She knows the guilt will eat her alive, no matter how much she wants it. And the image of Piper at the burlesque show as she has the conversation with Alex never strays to far from my mind. Let's face it, sometimes Piper just wants it bad, like c'mon, I mean it's Alex Vause for god's sake, I don't blame her. But let's see what Piper's sobriety brings to the table in the next chapter._


	8. I Had a Dream

Piper always dreams after she's had a few too many to drink.

She dreams about goals.

She dreams about fears.

She dreams about wants.

And sometimes she even dreams about her own memories.

Things that she thought she forgot about.

Things that deep down she knows were never resolved and seem to follow her around like a dark cloud that she's somehow gotten used to being under.

Consumed in her dream, Piper's feels nothing but an immense amount of guilt. She _left_ Alex in Paris. She _left_ her there. She felt like she _had_ to do it, even though she didn't. It was Piper's choice, no matter how much she tries to deny it every time it decides to creep it's way into her mind on the flight back home. She loves Alex, she always will, and yet even though leaving wasn't the easiest thing in the world to do, _it was tolerable_. It was something Piper could live with herself for doing.

As Piper stares through the plane window down onto the crust of clouds below her, she doesn't really know what it means. If finding what she did tolerable means that the risks involved with being with Alex completely covered how much she did love her, or if maybe she didn't love her as much as she thought she did. But that thought scares her so much that she denies it before even giving it any thought.

Through the course of the next few days, that turn into weeks, that turn into months, Piper waits for a call from Alex. A message. _Anything_. Anything to make Piper re-think her decision.

But it _never_ happens.

It makes Piper push herself into believing that her decision was the right one. That it was truly meant to be. But on the odd occasion, when the left side of her bed is cold, or when she runs by a beautiful sunset, or when her mother asks when she's going to get a _fucking_ boyfriend, she second guesses it. Because the truth is, Piper already found the love of her life. And she left her crying in a Paris hotel room.

Piper never stops thinking about the aftermath.

She wonders how much Alex truly hated her for leaving. She secretly hoped it hurt Alex, because she knows the opposite would have hurt _her_.

She thinks about how Alex would have been alone at Diane's funeral, dressed in all black, viciously trying to fight against the tears while she watched her mothers body being lowered into the ground forever.

Piper does everything she can not to pick up the phone. She just wants to ask if Alex was ok, but somehow Piper already knew the answer and she couldn't stand hearing Alex's voice break over the phone.

If Piper was honest with herself, she knows she probably wouldn't have hesitated to go and see her if she asked. Piper would have called it "platonic comforting", or "just friends". And yet she knows it would have ended up with sex and in the morning she would wake up and see Alex's heavenly face that stills begs for Piper to stay... _And she would have_. So Piper thinks that maybe it was for the best. Year after year, she gradually forgot how Alex made her feel. The way she smelt, the way she laughed, the way her skin felt when pressed to hers. The progressive haziness was something that Piper thought she wanted.

She forgets.

And that's ok.

And then Piper met Larry. A kind, gentle, sensible man. The kind of person she was _supposed_ to be with. The person without risks. The mere opposite of Alex. Everything her mother would approve of. And she liked him, she really did. But he just wasn't Alex. He didn't have that edge, he was a rule follower, he came fast, and he sat on the couch and watched bad tv crime shows until the sun went down. There was no mystery to him. And Piper learnt to be ok with that. Piper believed Larry when he told her he loved her, but no matter how many times she said it, Piper never truly believed that she loved him back. Like the words are what she was supposed to say, not what she truly felt.

But everyday, Piper wakes up next to him and never feels the urge to leave.

It's a Sunday, and Larry had thought of taking Piper out on a date.

They walk hand in hand in front of cute boutique stores that all look the same, with dainty flowers perched up on their windowsills and overly charismatic employees.

The sun peaks, searing the tops of their skin and Larry isn't hesitating to drag Piper away from the stores she desperately wants to go into. They laugh. Everything's fine. It's always fine.

As they walk closer to the groups of people slowly sipping overpriced coffee on petite wooden tables, Piper can't help but notice the voice. That distinct, husky, sex like voice. It's been 8 years. It can't be. Why would she be here. _This can't be happening._

Piper hesitates, wondering if she should just walk past, or say hello. She's with her _fucking_ boyfriend. She loosens her grip on Larry's hand, caught up in a panic, scared because he has no idea of this "other life" that Piper has lived. The fast paced, heavily illegal shit that consumed her. The person that consumed her. And that person was within a few feet of her.

Larry walks along, unaware of what is happening. Piper keeps walking. Numb with panic, unsure why she feels the way she does. It's been EIGHT YEARS. She should be ok now right? It was her decision to leave. Piper's happy now right? _Right_? But Piper turns around as she passes Alex, and Alex is already staring at her. With a big smile that _shouldn't_ be there. To be honest, Piper expected her to yell across the boulevard screaming of how much she hated her. But Alex just smiles and yells out once Piper stops walking.

"Piper fucking Chapman."

Piper looks behind her to where Larry was standing, but he isn't there. She looks down the boulevard and he's no where to be found. Disintegrated into thin air.

Piper turns back and walks closer to Alex and into her open arms. She's soft and warm and the hug is the kind that you do when you miss someone. And t _hey miss each other._ Eight years of disconnection. Eight years of wondering. And Piper knows how wrong her decision always was.

...

Piper opens her eyes, blinded by the artificial lighting, realising where she is. She's still in prison. And she's still in love with Alex. She somehow knows that if it had happened in real life, nothing would differ. She would get tangled up in Alex as quickly as she saw her.

She loves her.

She loves her so fucking much.

And yet there's so much Piper regrets.

...

The hangover hit Piper really fucking hard. Her head throbbing. Her eyes sore. And her body weak. Her mouth still tastes like vomit and sitting in front of disgusting prison food is not making her feel any better.

"How's that hooch treating you Piper?" Nicky yells, way too loud on purpose, knowing that Piper's head will be beating like a drum.

"Shh Nicky please." Piper says with her hands softly messaging her own temples.

"What, something the matter?" Nicky laughs, placing her tray of food down onto the table with a bang.

"Leave her the fuck alone Nichols." Alex says, pushing Nicky lightly as she sits down. Alex slides a cup of hot ramen noodles in Piper's direction. "The best hangover cure I could get in here."

Piper smiles gratefully, as much as a person can being this hungover.

"I think I want to vomit as much as Piper does." Nicky mocks, pretending to vomit under her seat.

"Hey Nicky, remember when I first got here? I literally used to walk in on you and Morello fucking in the bathroom. Full blown. Out in the open like you didn't care who saw." Alex says.

"Hey hey hey Vause, this isn't about me." Nicky whispers defensively.

Red slowly walks up to the table from the kitchen and doesn't day a word. Her palms are rested on the edge of the table and her gaze is elsewhere. Alex takes the initiative and follows Red's eyes, and at the end of her gaze she find C.O Dixon.

"Keep doing whatever you were doing." Red quickly says to Alex the second she notices where she's looking.

Red monitors Dixon as he walks through the tables, row by row until he is next to their table.

"Problem inmate?" Dixon says ominously to Red.

Red twists her torso "Just stretching my limbs."

Alex seizes up, feeling Dixon's breath on her head. She doesn't budge, she just keeps her eyes on Piper. Even in Piper's state, she knows exactly what is happening and she can read Alex like a book.

"Hiding something?" Dixon leans in to Alex's ear.

Alex can't stand to look him in the eyes. He knows exactly what he is doing. He knows the exact words to induce fear and he's using that to his advantage with a little amount of effort.

"No." Alex says harshly, looking into the distant beyond Piper, and away from the direction of Dixon.

Dixon let's out an obnoxious laugh that rattles the food trays on the table and proceeds to walk away.

...

After breakfast, Piper lays on Alex's bed, stomach to the sheets as Alex sits up next to her. Alex draws on her back with her fingertips, making sure to touch every inch of skin she has access to as lightly as she possibly can.

She follows the curves of Piper's shoulder blades, the textures of her spine, the contours of her back muscles and Piper does nothing more than close her eyes and savour the feeling. The _gentleness_. The _care_.

"How's your head Pipes?" Alex whispers, quiet enough to not cause Piper any discomfort.

"Mmm" In her relaxed state, Piper can't get anything else out.

"Learn your lesson about prison alcohol?" Alex continues to stroke her fingertips up and down Piper's back with a large smile across her face.

"Mhhmm" Piper let's the sound muffle.

She reluctantly turns over onto her back so her face is below Alex's. "I was wrong for leaving you in Paris."

"What?" Alex doesn't understand why this is coming into conversation.

"I thought I had to be everything my parents wanted me to be." Piper says gently, but serious.

"You realise how long ago that was Pipes? You can't change what happened now." Alex shakes her head softly. "What makes you bring it up? Paris isn't even a problem anymore."

"I had a dream about it."

Alex laughs, with Piper's answer catching her off guard. "Oh god Piper, you had a _dream_ about it."

"Yeah"

"And what... You ended up staying and maybe, just maybe, you were actually happy?" Alex weaves her fingers through Piper's hair, roots to tips, carefully untangling any knots that stand in the way of her destination.

"No, I still left actually... And I still ended up with Larry. But then I saw you..." Piper can't help but get a little embarrassed. She knows how transparent she is to Alex and how red her face is right now.

"And you realised that Larry had nothing on me." Alex smirks, playfully nudging Piper.

Piper's reply is through a failure to suppress her laughter, letting it consume the room.

"You're just lucky that it all ended up the way it did kid."

"It wasn't luck. Doomed to be together remember?" Piper let's her hands roam along the seams of Alex's shirt, letting her fingernail grind against the stitching.

"You're stuck with me whether you like it or not" Alex winks.

With enough sarcasm to fill the ocean, Piper says "fuck, how will I ever survive?"


	9. I Don't Know What's Happening

Alex never enjoys going to visitation. And she doesn't enjoy hearing her name called over the loud speaker even more. It's the uncertainty of it all. The fact that Alex doesn't exactly know who it is, or why they are visiting and all she can do is wonder and make a million assumptions a minute. But with the very limited amount of names on her visitation list, the only person she can think of is Haluk. No one else would bother coming. Everyone else stopped giving a damn a long time ago.

They haven't seen each other in a few weeks now but Alex has had Haluk's facial expressions lodged into her memory. They replay over and over like a record until Alex goes to sleep. It's the only way to get rid of his sorrowful face. Fuck. Alex doesn't want to see him again. She was just starting to get rid of the reminder that she killed a person. It was getting easier, it _actually_ was. But Alex knows how much walking into visitation is going to re open all of her wounds. Pour salt into them. Watch the blood boil over and cover her skin once again until she can't stand it anymore. Until she wants to rip herself open and walk out of her own skin so she feels less like a killer.

And every inch of what Alex anticipated is validated once she sees Haluk. He doesn't budge when he sees her. He just waits for her to sit down in the chair opposite him. No handshake, no hug, no skin connection, no acknowledgement at all except for the glare that Haluk shoots right into Alex's eyes. He opens his mouth slightly, preparing himself for the words that are about to escape his mouth. " _I did it._ " They are said with such darkness that Alex doesn't even have to think about what it could mean. She doesn't have to decipher the code. She knows what this is. Haluk killed Kubra. He fucking killed Kubra. He _actually_ did it.

Alex wasn't certain that Haluk actually had it in him. But drastic times call for drastic measures, and Alex is more than accustomed to that notion.

Although Alex hides it well, she is _so_ relieved. She is _so_ happy. It's the best kind of bad news and all Alex wants to do is tell him how much it means to her. "Thank you Haluk" Alex puts her warm hand out onto the table, close to Haluk. Almost as a gesture of appreciation. But Haluk doesn't acknowledge it in the slightest. "I didn't do it for you. I did it for Aiden." He says dryly

"I know."

"Tell anyone and I will kill you too." Haluk says, getting a lot more agitated all of a sudden. Looking around at who is sitting at the surrounding tables and changing his facial expression so it almost looks like he is analysing Alex to see her reaction. Haluk isn't someone who goes around killing people... That's never been his motive, so this agitation and fear is a new concept to Haluk's daily life.

"This is just between us Haluk." Alex says softly.

"You're free Alex."

"I know." Alex releases the smile she has kept trapped away for the duration of the conversation. It beams across the room, virtually blinding everyone with the genuine happiness she is amplifying. She feels liberated. She feels whole again. And to put it simply... As Haluk said, she feels free.

"This is it." Haluk waits until Alex nods. "Don't take anything for granted ok?"

"I won't. Thank you Haluk."

...

Alex's walk back to the dorms is full of life and energy. She is literally jumping out of her skin with excitement and happiness, it's incredible. For once, she doesn't have to look over her shoulder to see if anyone is following her. She doesn't have to think about who else may be in on Kubra's narcissistic plot. She doesn't have to do any of that anymore. She's safe. She doesn't have to worry. No one is coming after her. This is it. For months upon months Alex has felt like she had weights pushing on her chest, making it hard for her to breathe. And now they are all off. She inhales and it doesn't hurt anymore. She doesn't feel like she's claustrophobic in her own body. It's been way too long.

The first person Alex needs to tell is Piper, but the second she leaps around the corner into Piper's bunk to share the incredible news, there's a whole group of people standing there. Red, Nicky, Lorna, Frieda, but no Piper.

"Where's Pipes?" Alex doesn't think anything of it at first... She's too high up in the clouds of happiness to think anything right now except that she wants to share her joy. Not only is Alex safe, but so is Piper now.

The occupants of the bunk stare at each other almost as if they are waiting for somebody else to speak so they don't have to. And in that brief silence that somehow feels like it lasts a lifetime, Alex realises that something isn't right. She doesn't wants to ask questions. She just waits, almost cringing in anticipation as she waits for news to hit her like a train.

"She got transferred" Red says with a sorry face. She looks like she wants to come over and hold Alex tight, but she stops herself, allowing Alex the space she knows she's going to need.

Alex's mouth opens, scrambling for words. A question, a statement, really anything because she doesn't quite understand what this means. She runs through the possibilities in the few seconds she stays quiet. She tries to grip onto the facts. Piper's not here, she's going to another prison. Why? Did she do something? Did something happen? Who spoke to her?

"Wait, she knew and she didn't tell me?" Alex questions. Why would've Piper not told her? She knows that Piper would have thought of it as hurting Alex, but it's a big enough deal that she would have done it anyway.

"She had just as much of an idea about it as you did Vause." Nicky says as she pats Alex's shoulder in an awkward consult.

"Transfers take weeks to process..." Alex says in a wet tone, getting more agitated with the fact that she can't understand what's happening or more _why_ it's happening. Nothing makes sense.

"I don't know how the fuck it happened. They just called her name and took her a few minutes ago." Nicky watches Alex and is almost overwhelmed with empathy. She can see the hurt and confusion all over her face and there's nothing she can do.

"Just her?" Alex's euphoria is long gone now. What was a lively and bright trip down the corridors has now been replaced with an ominous slick of questions.

"That's the part that doesn't make sense the most. They bring more and more new inmates in every week and yet they feel the need to get rid of just one? Piper didn't do anything wrong in the eyes of the prison officials." Lorna joins into the conversation.

Alex doesn't say anything. She just attempts to figure it all out. Trying to wrangle with the realisation and the grip that she has on herself.

"She left you some things kid." Nicky pierces her lips and points to Alex's bunk, her finger weak and loose.

Walking to her own bunk, Alex finds a large stack of books on her bed that Piper had left, with a meticulously folded piece of paper on the top with Alex's name written in black ink with a heart next to it.

Slowly and carefully, Alex unfolds the piece of paper and reads each letter written ever so elegantly in Piper's distinct handwriting.

 _ **I'm sorry.**_

 _ **I don't know what's happening**_

 _ **I love you always**_

 _ **Piper x**_

Alex holds the piece paper long enough for it to hurt. And it doesn't take long. Just as things were good. Just as things were actually alright, something else has to hit Alex. She doesn't know why this is happening to her. She's not a bad person. She really isn't. She made some bad choices, some _necessary_ choices... But never has she ever wanted to be the bad guy in all of this. That was never her objective.

Nicky walks in to Alex getting teary eyed staring at the piece of paper in between her fingers. "You surviving kid?"

Alex sighs, her eyes veering away from the letter to hit Nicky. "How does this make sense?"

"It doesn't Vause."

"Who took her?"

"What do you mean who took her? The guards did. It looked like any other transfer except with just one person."

"Nicky, did they tell her where she was going?"

"She was pleading for them to tell her and they wouldn't."

" _Jesus_." Alex says with anger.

"It's like she's got twisted up in something Vause. Everything about it is off."

"Fuck this, I'm going to Caputo."

...

Alex slams on Caputo's door and enters before Caputo can even say to come in.

The aggression on Alex's face and the sudden burst of the door makes Caputo drop his glasses to the table and place the pen that lays between his fingers in the pen holder diagonal from himself.

He already anticipates that this isn't going to be a pleasant conversation and Caputo doesn't have to think twice to know what Alex is here to talk about.

"Where's Chapman?" Alex demands.

"She got transferred." Caputo lets out with a sigh.

"Why the fuck did she get transferred Caputo?" Alex is practically yelling now. _Already_. With the slam of the door behind her and her tall, slender figure standing over Caputo, the intimidation levels rise.

But Caputo is calm with his words "because it's a prison and people get transferred."

Alex doesn't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. It's almost as if Caputo's mocking her, seeing how much she'll actually believe. "You basically just picked her up and left without giving her any notice."

"We found out as quick as Chapman did Vause."

" _That's bullshit_." Alex spits the words right into Caputo's face, completely disregarding any consequences that will come with it.

"Vause, you come into my office and start yelling and cussing when I had nothing to do with any of this. Accept the transfer and move on." The words tick Alex off the edge. Caputo doesn't care. It's _one_ person in this entire prison. _One_ criminal. But then why transfer Piper? Caputo is too dry... Too brief for Alex's liking. It's like he's hiding something. It's all too suspicious.

"You guys are all the fucking same. You think of us as numbers; as assets, rather than the fact that we are all actual fucking human beings with real feelings. That's the worst part about being in here. It's not the shitty food or the lack of privacy or even the crazy meth heads. _It's you dickheads_." Alex laughs loudly, mockingly, making sure Caputo knows what each word means.

"Get the fuck out of my office before I call the guards."

Alex repeats her laughter, participating in Caputo's orders.

Infuriated, Alex goes back to her bunk and rips out a small piece of paper she had tucked away in her belongings. She opens it up, making sure she has the right thing, and when she's sure of it, she walks to the phones lined up one by one along the wall.

The phone is cold against Alex's ear as she dials the number on the piece of paper meticulously, looking at each number slowly so she doesn't mess it up. Once all the numbers are dialled, Alex waits impatiently. Praying that someone will just answer the fucking phone. Hearing it ring, and ring, until finally the ringing stops.

"Hello?" The masculine voice on the other end says in question.

"Hi, um, my name is Alex Vause, you were my defendant a while ago. You said I could call you if I ever needed you..."

 _ **Author notes:**_

 _ **WE HIT 100! Thankyou for all your support, and I more than promise that this fic isn't being forgotten about. I actually have big plans for the future of this and I don't think it's going to be expected. Hopefully the next couple of chapters won't be too dry as I try to play with the plot line i'm working up to. Bear with me. And don't worry... I promise Vauseman is end game, so you don't have to worry about me killing off either of them.**_


	10. So Many Questions, So Little You

After a few too long minutes of waiting in an agitated line, Alex finally grips the stem of the phone that she places to her ear listening for the dial tone. She fishes out the familiar piece of paper from her pocket that nearly got washed with her prison pants, and she dials the number. Fast this time. She almost knows it off by heart already.

It doesn't take long for an answer. Alex's lawyer is expecting her call.

"Alex Vause." He says in a distinctly deep voice.

"Yes." Alex says lightly

"Ok here's the deal. I'm looking into the causes and regulations concerning prison transfers, but things are actually deeper than I anticipated." Alex can feel the sharp exhale of her lawyers breath through the phone.

"In what regard?" Alex feels herself getting nervous, as she realises she's gripping onto the phone tight enough for her hand to hurt with the pressure.

"It's something that I can't really talk about at the current time, but once I'm able to, I'll contact you Alex."

"Are you able to get in contact with Piper?" Alex hasn't had any communication with Piper since the day she was transferred. It's taking it's toll on her especially when she knows it didn't necessarily have to be like this. This was someone else's choice and could have been easily avoided in an instant.

"Not yet, I just want to establish things first before I see her, but it will happen in the near future."

"Ok good." Alex says, hopeful.

"Listen. I'll need to ask _you_ a few questions face to face. This is turning out to be quite a serious sequence of events and I need to know everything that you are aware of."

Alex is startled. She's worried. "Can you explain to me what's happening? I mean, I'm the one who called you."

"I can't do that yet Alex. Just bare with me."

Alex sighs, contemplating her decisions. She could hang up the phone right now and be done with her lawyer, but her curiosity is getting the better of her. She needs to know what is so integral that her lawyer can't explain it. "I'll get you on my visitation list and we can talk. It takes a little while but you can come once everything is in order."

...

 _ **2 WEEKS LATER**_

"Alex, I'm going to let you know that everything you say is going to be documented and may be used in the court of law. This is going to help me with the case so your contribution is greatly appreciated." Alex's lawyer says sternly with his arms folded on the visitation table. He has an array of documents scattered across his side, with the font size being too tiny for Alex to read without getting caught. Alex is cautious with her words, but she wants to help as much as possible. This is something she doesn't want to prolong. She needs it resolved as soon as possible.

"Now Alex, was your relationship with Piper Chapman largely publicised between both of your friends and family?"

"The only person that knew on Piper's side was her best friend. But everyone that I was close to knew about Piper." Alex realises how sad it sounds out loud. EVERYONE knew about Piper. They knew how much Alex loved her, and they knew Alex was never afraid to hide it. I mean, Alex even introduced Piper to the people Alex was moving drugs for. But on the other hand, Alex was no one to the people that Piper loved. She was the 'mysterious woman' as they always joked about, and although it was a reining joke, Alex secretly didn't want it to be a secret anymore. She knew she would have to deal with the shock of it all and the negative repercussions, but at least she would have known that Piper wasn't ashamed of having her in her life.

"What was Piper's best friends name?"

"Polly." Alex says fast, not even thinking.

"How about Piper's parents? Were they aware of your relationship?" Alex's lawyer twiddles the jet black pen in between his fingers.

"No they weren't."

"And are Piper's parents still unaware of your relationship with Piper?"

"They know about it now. I don't think Piper's talked to them in a while, but they know about what happened between us."

Alex's lawyer inquisitively listens and scribbles notes that Alex can't make out onto the page. "Did Piper ever let her family or friends know that she was affiliated with a drug ring while you two were in a relationship?"

"Piper wasn't affiliated with the drug ring, she was affiliated with me." Alex never really defends Piper's involvement in the cartel. Alex has always had the mentality that Piper chose to do what she did, and that is true, but sitting head to head with her lawyer makes her feel extremely defensive.

"But you were affiliated with the drug ring Ms Vause."

Alex accepts that. She knows her lawyer has a point and has Alex wrapped around her finger, so she regretfully nods. "Piper never told them about the ring until everyone was going down for it."

"Is there any reason to suggest that Piper's family may look at you in a negative light?"

Alex laughs, knowing the answer too well. "Well yeah. Piper was never in a relationship with a woman before me, she had never been involved in any crime, and she was their sweet little angel. And they would have blamed me for Piper going to prison because that's the type of people that they are." Alex grits her teeth trying to retain an explosion of insults about Piper's parents. They were the type of people that Alex thought should never have kids. They had money, and that's about it. All Alex hopes for is that she can love Piper like her parents never did.

Alex's lawyer pauses, flicking through some of the pages and skimming over a few lines before he puts his pen down and looks to Alex more seriously.

"Were you in any great danger with one of your former associates from the cartel during your time in Litchfield?"

It's a trigger to paranoia. Just like that. One question. And suddenly Alex feels like she's already lost the game she thought she invented. It's feels like her lawyer knows already, that he's watching Alex twirl her fingers around each other in a nervous dance, smirking behind his neutral face because he knows how guilty Alex truly is. She can't look him in the eye. But Alex lies anyway despite the backlash if her suspicions are correct. "Not that I was aware of"

"And Alex, you didn't see anything out of the ordinary or thought anything was suspicious in the prison that would have put you in a position of vulnerability?"

His question is too spot on to just be a complete coincidence. It's game over. It's all over. Alex's mind flickers to Frieda, to C.O Dixon, and then, the hurricane, to Aydin Bayat. All people who put Alex in a position of vulnerability and each one of them came with a different resolution. "No." Alex says briefly. She's terrified now, keeping her words and actions cautious and to an absolute minimum. She doesn't want to give her lawyer anything more than what is being asked. She's scared it will rip her right open and let out all her secrets like a flock of birds ripping through her chest. "What does any of this have to do with Piper's transfer? That's what I called you about, so why are you asking me unrelated questions?"

"Because it _is_ related Alex." He almost looks sorry as he says it. Like he doesn't want to believe it himself but it's out in plain sight.

"How?"

"I'll speak to you soon enough Alex." With once large swipe of his arm, Alex's lawyer collects his papers and shoves them into his briefcase almost as if he's late for something. The rush is apparent. "Have a good day Ms Vause."

Alex is startled by how quickly her lawyer went from interrogating her with questions to racing out the door in a matter of seconds. This is more than suspicious. This is a disaster waiting to explode. How can calling a lawyer about Piper's transfer turn into this? He asked so many questions. And he didn't give Alex and inch of what he was actually trying to get at. If he wanted to know if Alex killed Aydin he should have just asked... But then again, Alex still doesn't think she would have told the truth. All Alex knows is that she thinks she's made a horrible decision bringing a lawyer into an already chaotic scene.

...

"Vause, go to the mailroom, they've got something for you." Nicky screeches as she interrupts Alex's reading of 'Gone Girl' that she's been so incredible immersed in. It's to her surprise seeing as her mind is like a tornado right now, swirling every bad thought around and around in her brain and it won't stop.

"You're the bringer of gift news Nicky." Alex tries to force a smile but ends up sighing when it's too hard to do. With the shut of the book, it's the shut of the fantasy world and now Alex is back to her reality she's actually afraid of.

"How are you feeling kid?"

"I'm just, I'm so frustrated. Nothing makes sense Nichols."

"Don't worry, you'll get to the bottom of it because it's you." Nicky smirks lovingly.

"What if once I get to the bottom of it, i don't want to hear it?" Alex is shedding off her skin like a snake, revealing more than what she bargained for.

"You'll hear it, and you'll deal with it because the last thing you would do is run. I mean, even though you got those hot ass legs Vause, you don't run from shit." Nicky throws the pillow that belongs to the bed on the opposite side of the room playfully at Alex, watching her get startled when the soft exterior hits her legs. "Get the fuck up Vause."

...

The mailroom provides a surprising addition to Alex's reading material. But it's not a hard cover 1000 page novel... It's an envelope. Alex never gets letters. She doesn't bother to think of why because she knows that there's no one close enough to her that would bother. But the second Alex takes a glance at the front of the envelope, she notices the writing straight away. It's Piper's. She has Alex's name on the front exactly like her previous note. The heart and all.

Alex can't help but feel the tug of her lips pulling into a smile all the way back to her bunk.

She slides her finger through the small gap at the top of the envelope, ripping it carefully until she reaches the other end. Inside, a hand written letter with Alex's name bold and large at the top of it.

 _ **Alex,**_

 _ **They transferred me to Smithston correctional facility in North Carolina.**_

 _ **I feel like Litchfield doesn't even matter in here because I have to start all over again. New people, new rules, new problems. But I'm surviving it. I met a girl called Jade in here. She's basically the badass of this whole prison and she's keeping me safe. Mostly because I'm white, but I'm still appreciative. I feel less on edge. Less alone.**_

 _ **Every time I ask the staff why I was transferred here they either brush it off or threaten me with the SHU. Someone obviously wanted me gone from Litchfield, but I don't know who. I scare myself if I think about it too much.**_

 _ **Your lawyer called me, well I guess he's kind of my lawyer now, and he was asking a million and one questions. He seems off Alex, I don't know if I trust him. I told him everything he wanted to know anyway, seeing as it was pretty generic stuff. But he basically didn't tell me anything and every time I asked why he needed the information he said he couldn't tell me yet. It's like there's some underlying secret that he's trying to uncover.**_

 _ **I miss you.**_

 _ **I miss you so much.**_

 _ **I hate this. Especially when this isn't the way it had to be.**_

 _ **Just promise me that you'll remember how much I love you, through all of this you need to know that I'll be here. I know I sound like one of those couples you practically gag over, but you make me so happy. This distance is horrible Al.**_

 _ **I miss you, and I miss you and I miss you.**_

 _ **Stay safe.**_

 _ **Be as brave as you always are.**_

 _ **Love always, your Pipes xo**_

Alex uses her fingertip to trace over the words that caress the page in smooth, black ink. Just knowing that Piper herself thought of this collaboration of words and wrote it makes Alex's heart flutter.

Alex starts to regret her decision of calling her lawyer. If both Piper and Alex think that he's shady, they are probably both right. Too many questions with so little information from his side is proving nerve racking, especially when he is so close to the information regarding Alex, Aydin and Kubra.

But before Alex delves further into that scenario, she reaches for a blank notebook and a pen stored away with her other belongings. She needs to write back to Piper, but she's got no idea where to start. There's so much to reach for and yet Alex wants to be brief. She doesn't want this to be overwhelming in any shape or form.

Without thinking too much, Alex begins to write, quickly hating the sentence she's started. She frustratedly tears off the piece of paper from the rest of the notebook and scrunches it in the palm of her hand, placing it next to her on the bed. This is a continuous cycle, about five letters in, until Alex convinces herself that this is going to be the final copy. There is no more going back on what is on the page.

She finds her rhythm, writing whatever comes to mind and not thinking about it too much:

 _ **Dear Pipes**_

 _ **Is it cliché to say that it feels like I haven't seen you in longer than I actually have? North Carolina is even further than I expected which doesn't make the situation any better.**_

 _ **This Jade girl better not be trying to move in on my territory Piper ;) But I'm glad you're not getting beaten up by meth heads and crazy hormonal psychos. I mean it could be a lot worse.**_

 _ **In all this shit, I have some news. Kubra was killed. Don't ask any questions about it, I'll talk to you in person.**_

 _ **I don't know what to do with my lawyer... Is it a smart or a dumb idea to hire another lawyer? I just want to get down to the bottom of this. My mind is circling through a thousand possibilities and I just can't find one that makes the most sense.**_

 _ **I was thinking about it the other night.. The world pulls us together when we try and run apart from each other but when we are finally doing ok, like normal people, the world is the one that pulls us apart again. It's messed up.**_

 _ **I hope this reaches you soon.**_

 _ **Without sounding needy, can you just come back right now...**_

 _ **I love your dumb ass too much baby.**_

 _ **Love, that hot brunette you always think about**_

Alex smirks to herself as an idea pops into mind. She rummages through the minimal makeup products she keeps, along with the sharpie she uses as eyeliner. She reaches for a lip stick, bright red and begins to apply it to her lips. Once she's satisfied, she presses her lips hard against the paper, holding them long enough for the imprint of them to be perfectly defined once she lifts off.

Alex manoeuvres her head away from the paper, admiring her handiwork. She knows Piper will laugh, but she'll secretly love it. And that's exactly what she wants.

Alex let's out a deep sigh, almost feeling sad at the fact that she has to write this letter. She wishes she didn't have to. If Piper was here, this wouldn't even need to be an idea because she would have Piper right in her arms.

She can't help but start with the paranoia again. That the lawyer is planning against her. That he knows that Alex killed Aydin. And instead of figuring out the circumstances behind Piper's transfer, he will throw Alex under the bus and she'll end up getting a longer sentence. He's a defence lawyer. He shouldn't be trying to make his way over to the attacking team. He has no reason to be trying to do this to Alex.

Alex even thinks about what would happen if her suspicions are right. She would gets thrown into max for years upon years. Away from Piper. Away from anything she's ever known. And Alex thinks that it'll be too long of a wait for Piper to hold off being with someone else. A beautiful girl like Piper is sure to have people pursuing her at all times.

And much to Alex's realisation, Piper isn't going to wait for a murderer.

She surely wouldn't be able to explain _that_ to her parents.

This isn't going to happen.

Alex won't let it.

 _ **Author notes:**_

 _ **Yes, Smithston is just a random name I came up with..**_

 _ **Yes, the climax of this storyline will hit soon..**_

 _ **Yes, Vauseman is still endgame..**_

 _ **And yes, i'll try to get everything out as quickly as possible.. Remember, I work on the new chapter straight after I post one so nothing is already written out and ready to go.**_

 _ **Stay tuned, stay happy, and stay Vauseman.**_


	11. Guess Who

"Let's go." A guard yells into Alex's ear as he tightens the handcuffs around her wrists.

She's marched to the bus that is already waiting for her a few feet away, filled with glaring eyes that come from the other inmates already on it. But Alex is the only one from Litchfield. She walks alone with no one other than a guard until she reaches the creaky steps of the bus that she hesitantly walks up, making sure she doesn't slip. As her body levels out with the rest of the bus, Alex is met by what feels like a thousand set of eyes that are like predators in the night. Nothing could make her feel more vulnerable. Everyone's looking at her and she knows it. Every criminal, crime big or small.

Much to Alex's surprise though, the bus is only filled with women and there is an eerie sense of quietness with the only sound being from Alex's commando boots hitting the floor as she walks.

Alex seats herself next to a curly haired woman with dark eyeshadow and sad eyes and adjusts herself in the seat so she feels more comfortable. There's not a sound on the bus, so she feels no need to introduce herself. She just stares out the window, then along the aisle and then at the back of the inmates heads to pass the time that feels like it's stopped. It feels like she's going no where when everything passing by her windows looks the same.

She notices the inmate sitting next to her engraving strikes onto the back of the seat in front of them with a tiny piece of wire she had stashed away in the hem of her shirt. The inmate moves her lips as she counts the minutes one by one and Alex ends up putting all her focus on what she's trying to achieve. She's simply counting the time. Alex works out that it's in 30 minutes intervals. One strike for each 30 minutes. One by one, more strikes are added until they finally reach their destination. 16 strikes... 8 hours. But it's felt like it's last a lifetime.

Once the bus stops, only a selected group of names are called out, one of which is Alex's. Still handcuffed, Alex is ushered out of the bus and yelled at to form a line with the other inmates who also exited. They are patted down, and thoroughly checked for contraband or anything that may be classified as prohibited, none of which Alex has on her person, but she can't say the same for another 4 inmates who tried to test their luck and failed miserably, including the inmate she sat next to on the bus who got the wire taken from her.

The guards conducting the searches are even sleazier and more dirty than the ones from Litchfield, and Alex thought that was hard to achieve. One in particular who has a dirty mustache and is sweating vigorously while yelling out commands, approaches Alex, his breath smelling like cigarettes and cheap booze. He yells directly into Alex's face, spitting the remnants of whatever the hell he had for breakfast right onto Alex's skin "TURN AROUND".

Alex does as asked, still keeping her eyes closed from the sudden burst of dirty saliva on her person. The line of inmates are now facing away from the bus and can hear the loud engine grow increasingly further and further as it drives off until the sound is nothing but another memory engraved into their tortured minds.

Before the small group of inmates are taken inside the prison walls, another officer, younger with tattoos spread across the top of his right hand yells in question "which one of you is Vause?" To which Alex nods her head once the guards eyes land on her.

"Come with me" The guard says in a dark voice before he walks away quickly, expecting Alex to keep up with his pace.

* * *

Alex is escorted through several doors and corridors, all of which are narrow and have the odour of mould, until they reach an isolated room with nothing more than a long table, three plastic chairs and four walls.

From the belt of his trousers, the guard withdraws a key and unlocks Alex's handcuffs. "Sit there" He says harshly to Alex, pointing to the chair furthest to the door. Alex kicks the chair from out under the table and sits, awkwardly trying to shuffle the chair back within the small confines of the room. In all her effort, she didn't hear the other guard enter the room. He launches a tray of food onto the table without a word to be heard and twists his body around to exit. Alex eats in silence with the tattooed guard watching her the whole time from the corner closest to the door. Alex is tired. Drained. And she's not sure of what to expect from the events she's been brought here to participate in. It all feels very heavy and on edge, like Alex is waiting for someone to push her off.

One Alex has finished her mediocre meal that just manages to satisfy her appetite, another guard appears and takes the tray away, leaving Alex and the post guard in an awkward silence for minutes that feel like hours. Until finally, Alex's lawyer appears.

"Hi Ms Vause, how was the ride over?" Alex's lawyers says, ignorantly not realising how different from his reality Alex's bus trip was.

He piles all of his papers onto the table, unbuttons his blazer and places it on the back of the middle chair as he takes a seat on it.

"Long." Alex replies.

Her lawyer immediately starts searching through his files, paying attention to some sheets of paper more than others that he merely brushes past. Alex watches inquisitively, trying to digest any kind of information that her lawyer has to offer.

Both Alex and her lawyer stop in their tracks as they hear the door creak open slowly, revealing Piper in all Orange, with her hands bound together by metal handcuffs and followed in by another large guard with a prison uniform two sizes too small.

Both Alex and Piper's faces light up the second their eyes meet, and transform into beacons of happiness as their smiles erupt like a volcano. They miss each other. They miss each other so much. And despite the circumstances, they are so damn happy they get to see each other again.

"Ms Chapman, glad for you to join us. You can just call me Sully for today's visit. Nothing too formal." The lawyer says, gesturing Piper to sit in the vacant seat across the table from Alex.

The guard that ushered Piper into the room proceeds to unlock her handcuffs, with Piper circling her wrists at the new found freedom as her guard leaves.

Piper and Alex are really unsure of if they are able to start speaking as there hasn't been a sound from either of them since Piper entered the room. So they opt for just sitting and waiting for what's going to happen.

* * *

"So, ladies, I brought you two here together to express some vital information. Understand that this is confidential and that everything said in this room is to remain here until further notice. Understand?"

"Mhhm" Piper and Alex agree as they nod in unison.

Sully hovers his pen over the pile of documents, moving his mouth quietly as he reads. He stops very suddenly, placing the pen down, turning towards Alex and letting out a loud sigh as he prepares himself for what he is about to say. He goes for it, and then quickly retracts, noticeably nervous and on edge which makes both Alex and Piper feel the same. Sully shuffles his chair a few inches closer to Alex, and repeats the same sigh as he did previously, before letting the words finally roll out of his mouth.

"Ms Vause, I don't want to alarm you, but someone has been trying to kill you."

Alex and Piper seize up. Too scared to move a muscle and too scared to say a word. They just remain still, waiting for Sully to say his next round of words. They are both obviously aware that someone has been trying to kill Alex, but they have no idea if Sully is aware of the fact that Alex killed Aydin.

"There was a significant amount of money given to Kubra Balik, specifically for your death." Sully says gently. He knows how sensitive this information if so he does his best to project it in a soft manner.

Alex has no idea what is going on now. She had never known about the money. She was always under the impression that Kubra was doing this for his personal game. It send shivers down her spine knowing that there were more people out to get her than she originally thought. But who else would want her dead bad enough to give money to Kubra?

"I know this might come as a shock to the both of you, but the money came from Carol Chapman."

Carol Chapman?

Piper's Mom?

No.

Alex's stomach feels like it's crumbling, like a tower falling to the ground and with the impact, it shakes the floor beneath her sending aftershocks along with it. This cannot be real. She looks down at her hands which are already shaking and she noticeably finds that it's suddenly a lot harder to breathe. She can't believe it. What the fuck is happening. This isn't right. It can't be. She knew Carol hated her, she always did, but murder... That's a whole different ball game. One fucked up ball of hatred and deception. Alex can't believe it. She's almost waiting for Sully to tell her he's joking. But Alex knows he is so far from that.

Piper's heart skips a beat with the shock, not quite digesting the words like she should. She's unsure if she heard the name correctly or maybe it was just a figure of her imagination. Maybe there's another Carol Chapman. There has to be. But when she looks over at Alex and she has the same horrified expression that Piper does, she knows she heard right and a quick glance to Sully verifies the fact that it's definitely THAT Carol Chapman. How can this be happening? A person that Piper should trust with her life gave money to Kubra, to kill Alex. The words don't sink in. Piper thinks they never will. It's just shock. One huge hit of shock.

The lawyer, apologetically looks to Piper. "Your Mom wanted Alex taken out permanently Piper" he whispers.

Alex literally has her mouth wide open, leaning forward unable to win the battle with reality. She doesn't really know what to do. She's not sure if she should scream, cry or faint. This is incomprehensible. This is disaster. Panic. Horror. This is not real.

This is Piper's Mom. The woman that gave birth to her. The woman that was meant to keep Piper's best interests at heart and shelter her from the bad. But instead she planned to have Alex killed... "That's not possible." Piper says, her hands shaking as she presses them onto the table.

Sully presents Piper with a formal document that he withdraws from the rest of his collection. The second it slides under Piper's nose, she doesn't even hesitate and starts to read. The document is evidence of emails her Mother had sent to an anonymous account which with further investigation, led to Kubra.

Piper stops at a particularly horrifying line that she lets her eyes roll over about five times before she actually forces herself to move on. The line reads:

That four eyed lesbian will NEVER touch my daughter again.

It makes Piper's eyes well up. She tries and tries to suppress it, but it's all too much to keep in. The words taste like poison in her mouth. A thick, ominous poison that's she's trying to get rid of before it kills her. But it feels like it already has. Her own blood wrote the words. And the person in danger because of it all is sitting right in front of her. The person she loves. The person that doesn't deserve any of this. Piper looks up at Alex, tears clouding her eyes but Alex can sense the sincerity right through the tears. She knows that this is as much of a shock to Piper as it is for her. She knows Piper isn't the person to blame.

"I also have bank statements which show a withdrawal of six million dollars from Carol Chapman's account, and a deposit of six million dollars into an offshore account that lead to Kubra Balik on the same day." Sully explains.

Alex's eyes don't leave Piper. She can see how hard Piper is trying to fight everything back, but the tears keep flowing down the side of each cheek and she doesn't even have the strength to wipe them away. Even though Alex was the one being hunted, she can see that Piper's the one getting hit harder.

"I'm so sorry Alex." Piper's voice cracks and shatters into a million pieces. Her vulnerability sprays across the room like water and her tears like waves, viciously crashing down trying not to drown the people underneath.

"Don't be sorry, it's not your fault Piper." Alex whispers, knowing how much this hurts the both of them. The table in between Alex and Piper feels like it stretches for miles. Their skins ache for the touch and sincerity of the other. Just something to hold them back from the pain. Something to make things a little less gruesome.

"Ms Vause, I'm not sure if you were made aware but Kubra Balik was murdered only a few weeks ago in a very violent act and with that came Carol Chapman's rising determination levels. Through a lot of investigating, I found that Carol Chapman had also transferred a significant amount of money to Joe Caputo, who you may be familiar with as he is currently the 'boss' you could say, of Litchfield penitentiary. Mr Caputo wasn't very smart with hiding the money, and very ignorantly, he divided the money between himself and several members of the MCC. Carol Chapman bribed Joe Caputo and the MCC into transferring you to Smithston Piper. That's why you're here and that's why no one is talking."

"What the fuck is wrong with her." Piper wails. It's louder this time, and the waves are more like tsunamis. This isn't the person she thought she knew. She feels so ignorant thinking that she ever knew her Mother. So many years and so many life lessons. And yet nobody taught her to suspect the ones you love. Now Piper knows why.

"We had a warrant for her arrest and she was detained yesterday morning, as well as Joe Caputo and several members of the MCC. I'm apologizing to the both of you for not letting you know all of the information as soon as I was made aware, but I hope you can understand that I had to be sure that neither one of you were aware of the circumstances."

"Are we going to have to testify?" Alex says, small, finally breaking her silence.

"There's no need for any of you to testify. You were both unaware of the situation at hand." Sully looks back to Piper when he hears a shaky and turbulent inhale. But Piper nods, signalling that she's ok. Sully swivels his chair back in Alex's direction. "It's also worth the mention that your former associate Aydin Bayat was the officer who was killed at Litchfield. He was after you and in some misconstrued circumstance, Lolly Whitehill killed him before he got to you. Mr Bayat was sent by Kubra."

Alex just nods, swinging herself back and forth in approval. Her chair feeling stiff and hard underneath her.

"Ms Chapman, we are sending you back to Litchfield if that is what you wish?"

Although masked with tears, Piper manages a genuine smile in addition to a enthusiastic nod, looking at Sully and then back to Alex.

"Do either of you have any questions for me?"

Piper contemplates it. She wonders if it's the right thing to ask. Does she want to do this? Piper looks down almost scared to ask the question. "Am I able to talk to my Mom? I just, I need answers" She says, almost childlike.

"Once you're back at Litchfield, I'll make sure an arrangement is made." Sully smiles, placing his hand close to Piper's.

"Thankyou"

"Ms Vause, you'll be leaving in the morning for Litchfield, and Ms Chapman, you'll be back there in a couple of days just depending on how long they take to do the paper work." Sully presses the back of the pen on the table, retracting the barrel into the casing and placing the pen into his breast pocket.

"Ok"

"On your feet Chapman." The guard standing beside the door yells as he flings out the handcuffs that were attached to his belt. Once Piper stands up, he tightly secures the cuffs around her wrists, jolting them around to make sure they have clicked in.

"Bye Al" Piper expresses with a smile that says sorry and I'll miss you all in one package. She doesn't want to say goodbye at such a distressing time, but she has no choice. This is the price of prison.

"Bye." Alex smiles back at Piper with a sudden glimpse of sadness as she leaves the room. There's so much to talk about. So much that they need to address. But all Alex does it watch her leave. And she watches the door even after Piper isn't there anymore.

But she turns her attention back to Sully once he flicks open the locks to his briefcase. Sully smirks to himself as he shoves one big stack of paper into the briefcase carelessly as he always seems to do.

The smirk seems off, like there is something that isn't being said, so Alex knows no other way than to ask.

"What?"

"You two really love each other." It's not a question. He knows. He could feel the love radiating along the table and passing through him. He could see it in their eyes. The vibrations piercing along their skin like it's written for everyone to see. Although the circumstances are heavy, Sully is almost relieved that he got to see the appreciation they have for one another. The passion. The love.

"Yeah, yeah, we do."

* * *

 _ **Author Notes:**_

 _ **When I placed this fic into the drama category, I wanted to blow the drama out of the water.**_

 _ **I hope you guys liked this chapter, and i'll be more than happy to listen to any suggestions for the future. P.S Sorry for the format..**_


	12. Reunion Call

She looks like purpose. Like something that's meant to be here. Something that should never be moved. But as Alex stands to admire her beacon of light, it moves towards her, casting shadows all along her soft skin.

Her lips taste like velvet. Like melting chocolate. Like something that shouldn't be in a world this horrid. But she is. And admittedly, Alex wouldn't want it any other way. She needs to feel her. Time doesn't feel so prominent when she does. Everything else just feels like a construct of somebody else's imagination, but Piper... oh Piper feels like she's made for her. Like everything she could ever wish for was brought together before Alex even knew she wanted it.

Alex hopes that she can use what she has to love her. Her voice, her hands, her breath, her skin. Everything she has. It's all for her.

She loves her. More than she loves herself. _So_ much more than she loves herself.

Alex looks at her like she's a bundle of the purest sunshine. She prays that her rays won't dim. That in all this chaos, it won't diminish her light. Because she brings so much. She brings sun after the storm, happiness in the dark, morning to night.

Their mouths touch again. Tasting like the feeling of cuddling up to a warm blanket while it's raining outside. Like the way the sun mirrors on the water at sunset.

She tastes her laugh in her mouth. It can't help but be contagious. The bliss. The sincerity. She's captivated by it.

The way their tongues dance with one another, like a choreographed routine with each step integral, and each movement precise. Every touch creates goosebumps that elevate the skin, gentle tingles like electricity flowing through their veins.

Alex moves her hand lower, trailing it down the side of Piper's body making her lean into her touch.

They forget where they are.

Why they're here.

What's happened.

It's just the two of them.

In pure bliss.

In a heaven they've created all on their own.

That's until reality creeps back in with haunting eyes, diminishing the only sense of normality they've had for the longest time.

"I'm so sorry Al" Piper says quietly, her hands linked together behind Alex's head.

"Stop saying that." Alex says, with a sigh.

"But I am sorry"

"You don't need to be Pipes"

Piper looks up at Alex, stroking from her cheek down to her jaw line. "I love you, you know that"

Alex let's go of Piper and walks backwards, her hand to her chest "Piper Chapman loves me? What the fuck is going on in the world?" Alex says sarcastically, trying to hide back the smirk thats busting at the seams.

Piper laughs back at her, forgetting where her mind was headed.

"So what, I don't get to hear it back?" Piper says, a smirk stroked across her face.

"Nope. Never" Alex winks back.

"Oh ok then. What's it going to take for me to get it out of you?" Piper walks closer and closer until she is inches away from Alex's lips.

"I could think of a few things" Alex lifts her eyebrow seductively, whispering.

Piper laughs hard, taking a step away from Alex "You make me wait for you to say it back and you get nothing"

"You suck"

"Mhmm" Piper has her head tilted to the side, her smile peaking through.

"I love you" Alex gives in too quickly, with the reward being a driving incentive.

"Sorry, what was that Alex?" Piper questions, pretending she didn't hear.

"I love you Piper" Alex inches closer.

"What? I still can't hear you"

"I fucking love you" Alex gets as close to Piper's lips as she can get without touching them.

"There's just too much noise around. Say again?"

"I. Fucking. Love. You. Piper. Chapman."

"That's better" Piper rewards Alex by closing the gap between their lips and Alex can't help but lift her up by her thighs and seductively manoeuvre her over to the bed, leaning on top of her while their lips collide hard.

"Holy shit, you could at least fucking warn me" Nicky says, barging into the bunk with her hand over her eyes.

Embarrassingly, Alex eases off Piper and wipes her lips of any remnants."Says the one that just barges into _my_ bunk asshole?"

"What happened?" Red says, followed behind by Lorna. It's like a trigger. Alex and Piper were both so blissfully unaware of what had happened for a few moments. But just like that, Piper is visibly shaking as she rests her head on the wall.

Alex notices it immediately, with her eyes not shifting from Piper. She doesn't deserve to feel like this.

"We can't talk about it Red." Alex says.

"We're family kid. I know you're not meant to, but we're here for you." Nicky says sincerely.

There's a long silence of waiting. Eyes flashing across the room. Whether or not they'll speak.

"My Mom..." Piper breaks. She can't say anything else.

Alex closes her eyes at the sound of Piper's voice breaking. It shatters her insides. It's the most excruciating sound she could ever hear.

Lorna walks over to Piper, comforting her with her arms wrapped around her side "It's ok honey"

"It's not though" Piper says through her tears that are already furiously escaping.

Alex softly speaks "Yes it is Pipes. It's all over now"

"I'm so sorry Al" Piper cries.

"Piper. Stop. I don't want that to come out of your mouth at all from now on." Alex says it almost aggressively, like a parent to their child. She just doesn't want to hear it.

"She's so fucked up" Piper manages to escape.

"I just want to punch her right in the _fucking_ face." As much as Alex wants to keep her composure through all this, even talking about Piper's Mom makes her infuriated.

"Your Mom?" Lorna says in question to Piper which she nods to.

"What did she do?" Nicky says

"She got Piper transferred" Alex says in a harsh tone, still not quite believing Carol's capabilities.

"Are you serious Alex, what about the fact that she put a hit out on you?" Piper screeches.

Nicky, Red and Lorna simultaneously drop their mouths in disbelief. It's the shock of a lifetime that they don't even believe it.

"Seriously?" Red questions.

"I still can't believe any of it." Piper says.

"Motherfucker." Nicky says, then remembering Piper's still in the bunk "No offence Chapman."

* * *

Piper is immediately thrown into the deep end of fear as her name is called over the P.A system. It's the authority of the voice. The feeling that nothing good can come from it. And with each step towards Caputo's office, the fear grows as violently as a weed trailing through an overgrown garden.

If she's truthful with herself, she really didn't even think of who she'll see walking into Caputo's office. With the investigation, Caputo and the other members caught up in the scandal have all been relieved of their duties temporarily, leaving gaps in their positions.

With a shy knock on the door, Piper's greeted by a deep female voice. "Come in"

Hesitantly, Piper rocks the door open and steps inside, closing it behind her. She takes a good look at the woman sitting behind the maple desk. Dark brown features, all black pants suit, total badass looking. The woman has a formal name badge that doesn't seem to fit anything else in the prison and reads _Gartie._

"Sit down" Gartie says as she catches Piper's eyes wander to her name badge. She doesn't feel the need to introduce herself, only to point to the vacant seat opposite her.

Without another word, Gartie places her hands firmly around the phone that sits upon her desk and places it in the crevice between her cheek and her shoulder, typing numbers into the phone with the other hand.

In the silence of the wait, Piper knows exactly why she's here. She dreads it almost as much as she needs it. It's closure. But It's horror. Pain, but closure. It's her Mom.

"Oh hi, this is Rachael Gartie calling from Litchfield Penitentiary. Do you have Chapman ready for me?" Gartie says in the same monotone deep voice that she presented to Piper.

They wait, as the person on the other end of the phone replies.

Piper's already revving herself up thinking about what she's going to say to her Mom. Thinking about the words she's going to drill through the phone. The more she thinks about it, the more aggressive she becomes. The fumes are coming out of her ears and she doesn't think she can suppress any of it. Her body is constricted, waiting for the moment she's able to let it all out with a big explosion that she's almost afraid to think about.

"Ok, I'll put her on now." Gartie pulls the phone from her ear and passes it out to Piper.

Piper doesn't say anything. She just takes the phone and listens for the voice she knows she's about to hear.

"Piper?" The voice is quiet with an underlying harshness to it. Just as Piper remembers it. Her Mother, a person of protection can only be connected to anger, to fury, to disgust now. This is what her Mom has become, or what she's been all along.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Piper doesn't even try to control her aggression. She let's the words scratch at her throat like nails on a chalkboard, with every word providing more volume and added texture to the already rough symphony. She sprints right from the starting line, not worried about how fatigued she's going to be by the end. This voice on the other end of the phone crushed any idea imagined of family. This isn't family. This isn't what family does. This is somebody she hates. She wonders how someone could be so evil.

"Piper, don't start." Carol says calmly, not really taking into consideration how her actions have affected Piper.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN DON'T START? _YOU_ WERE THE ONE WHO STARTED ALL THIS MOM."

"Stop being so dramatic." It's mockingly haunting, like Carol can't see how horrific what she has done is. And all she can see is Piper's over exaggeration in her eyes. But her eyes are blind now. They are blind from the truth.

Piper is stuck behind a door of frustration, trying to knock it down with anything she can find, but not being able to get through has proved overwhelming, and tears are already firing out of her eyes like laser beams, dropping to the floor waiting for her to drown. "YOU TRIED TO KILL HER." Piper wails in between violent breaths and cries. "You tried to kill her Mom." Her free hand covers her mouth trying to catch any other sounds that try to escape through the pain.

"I didn't try to kill her, the drug dealers did."

"AND WHO GAVE THEM THE FUCKING MONEY? WHO THE FUCK GAVE THEM THE MONEY HUH? THAT WAS YOU. THAT WAS FUCKING YOU" she screams at the phone like there's no option to be quiet. It's forceful and messy and unpremeditated, but Piper can't do it any other way.

"You deserve better Piper."

"WHY? BECAUSE SHE WASN'T UP TO YOUR STANDARDS? AT LEAST SHE WASN'T FUCKING GIRLS BEHIND MY BACK LIKE DAD WAS TO YOU. TALK ABOUT FUCKING STANDARDS." Piper scoffs with tears streaming down her face. She knows that she just plunged a knife right into where it hurts, but damn, Piper wants her Mom to feel even the slightest bit of pain that she put Alex through. She deserves it.

The line is quiet, and that only validates how much of an impact Piper's words had on her Mom. After a silence only filled with acute breathing, Carol speaks "She worked for a drug cartel..."

"NO SHIT MOM. WHAT, YOU THINK I DIDN'T KNOW THAT? YOU THINK IM NOT SITTING IN PRISON RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF IT?"

"She ruined your life Piper."

"WHY IS THAT FOR YOU TO DECIDE?"

"Because you're my daughter."

"And you're my Mom. YOU'RE NOT MEANT TO TRY AND KILL THE PERSON I LOVE."

"You're delusional Piper."

"What is it Mom... Are you jealous? Are you jealous of something you don't have? Is that what this is all about?"

"Why would I be jealous of that disgusting criminal." Words cut just as deep as knives. They enter the body and leave wounds that can never heal, no matter how much time passes. And these words from Carol do just that to Piper. It's like she can't even believe what she's hearing. She didn't know that someone so close to her could be so fucking cruel.

"HOW DARE YOU FUCKING CRITICISE AND INSULT HER LIKE THAT. SHE'S A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU WILL _EVER_ BE." Piper looks down at the desk, noticing the small pool from the droplets escaping her eyes that she's about to add to. The lump in her throat grows to new heights and Piper can't hold it in. She can't even breathe. "And she keeps getting bombarded with things she doesn't deserve. And the worst one is because of you. I can't believe you did this." Piper manages to roughly cry out.

"I don't regret my decision."

"FUCK YOU" It uses every piece of herself.

"I was just trying to get you out of this hole you put yourself into."

"And you thought you'd do that by killing the person I love most in this world? The person who actually gives me the love you never did. The only fucking person who makes me feel like I'm not treading water all the time, like I can actually be me? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU THINK THAT WAS GOOD FOR ME MOM?"

"I think I'm done talking to you Piper."

"FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING PSYCHO. I HOPE YOU ROT IN PRISON. FUCK YOU."

The beeping of the line going dead soon replaces Piper's screams. And the new found silence makes Piper realise how drained she truly is after the phone call. It's like she's just run a marathon. She's so incredibly angry, words can't even describe. The main reason she wanted to talk to her Mom is because she wanted answers, but nothing her Mom was giving her was even remotely logical.

Piper's still panting. Her throat dry but her eyes wet. She almost feels like she's swimming in a fantasy, swimming through a dark ocean with figures surrounding her, mocking her. The figures all her Mother. And all Piper wants to do is to make them go away but she can't. She's too deep. Too far out. And they are too high above.

The phone drops suddenly out of Piper's hand and onto the desk that Gartie stills sits at, with Piper being too weak and exhausted to pick it back up. Gartie does it for her, putting the phone back in it's holder. She doesn't know what to make of Piper's phone call, but all she knows is that it's taken a toll on Piper and it doesn't take a genius to see it.

"Here" Gartie puts her hand out with a bunch of tissues carefully folded sitting between her fingers.

"Are you alright to go back to your bunk or do you want to stay here a little while longer?" Gartie says quietly.

Through cries Piper manages to let words escape. "I'll just stay here for a little bit." She can't breathe properly. And all she can think about is the person she wants by her side. "Can you get Alex?"

Gartie doesn't understand, being the newbie in Litchfield and all, so she's left to ask the question "Alex? Who's that Piper?"

"Vause, Alex Vause. She's in here." Piper's throat is tight and she wipes the tears trickling down her face.

Realisation hits Gartie so she picks up the phone again and dials in a few numbers. "Can I have Alex Vause to my office please." She pauses, then nodding. "Mhm, thank you."

Piper places her head on the table, her arm soaking up the puddle of her own tears. She hates this. She hates all of this. She remains still, with only her irregular breathing jolting her body every now and then, but the rest of the time, she is motionless.

"Rough time huh?" Gartie breaks the silence.

"Yeah" Piper's voice breaks in two, her airways feel like they're clogged with all the tears she's been trying to swallow and her hands feel like they're set in permanent shaking mode.

Gartie watches Piper for longer than she should, not essentially feeling sorry for her, but she attempts to wrap her mind around what kind of twisted vines are suffocating Piper. That's until the knock at the door breaks the room in half. "Come in" Gartie demands.

Alex walks in with a sense of empathy smeared across her face from the second she enters, as she spot the trails of tears still lingering on Piper's cheek, her eyes bloodshot red and swollen. She doesn't want Piper to feel like this. It's makes her heart ache in pain, the hairs on her arms stick up in fear and her chest tight.

"I talked to my Mom Al" Piper breaks down the second she starts talking. It's that painful, silent cry that rips everything out of you until you have nothing left.

Alex doesn't say a word, she just puts her arms out and waits for Piper to raise out of her seat. When she does, Alex moves her arms to her back, curling them around and protecting her and sheltering her from the rest of the world. From all the bad that seems to creep into their lives. The fact that Gartie is still in the room doesn't even cross their mind and Gartie doesn't ever say a word.

They hold each other almost tight enough to explode with the pressure. But it feels like safety. Something that they haven't felt in a while, especially for Alex. They feel like they are in their own secret cocoon and their not in any rush to become butterflies.

Alex can feel Piper's acute breathing through her shirt. It almost feels like irregular gusts of wind touching her skin, not really sure about how vicious it wants to be.

She tries to combat everything that Piper is giving her through soft kisses that she lands on her soft hair.

After several long moments, Alex breaks away, placing her fingers under Piper's chin and manoeuvring her face so it looks up to hers. It's one of those moments where time stands still and nothing can break it. The sincerity in Piper's eyes makes Alex feel almost guilty that she's hurting so much, but at least she knows that she cares. And Alex will do everything in her power to rip Piper away from the hurt and suffering she's now enduring.

"Go back to your bunks ladies, I'll tell the guards to leave you alone for a little while." Gartie says softly, interrupting.

Piper manages to press her lips together and curl them into a forced smile, she's actually thankful of Gartie. Truly. Even though it may not seem like it. It's just hard right now to remotely be anything other than in pain.

 ** _Author Notes:_**

 ** _No, I have not forgotten about this fic, nor am I going to. Updates are going to take longer just because I have a lot more on my plate, but they should be regular. Hope you guys are enjoying it. Stay tuned for the next chapter xx_**


	13. They Broke Her

Alex went to lunch early today, sitting at the first available table she can see after she grabs her tray of food. She's doing ok. Or maybe she just thinks she is. She at least feels like she can breathe without the constant burden of someone standing within arms reach of her throat just waiting to strangle her. But sometimes she feels like her own hands are there, squeezing until her skin turns blue. Her veins throbbing with the need for air. But they always let go before it's too late. And Alex couldn't be more grateful.

The oranges are particularly sweet today which surprises her. And she smirks to herself knowing how lousy her life has become knowing that she gets excited about sweet oranges. The morality of prison. The way it just sucks the life out of you while you scramble to find anything worth being happy over.

Being alone at the cafeteria table is something completely and utterly fresh to Alex, but she actually prefers it. It's less hassle. She doesn't have to listen, or answer questions or feel like she's almost required to ask questions back. She can just eat and leave, without any other strings attached.

As Alex attacks another slice of orange with her mouth, she feels a looming shadow pass over her, blocking the light from the adjacent windows. She already feels like she shouldn't look up. She knows she shouldn't. But she ends up doing it anyway. With a slow tilt of her head, Alex drizzles her eyes from the slicked back hair to the skin covered in various figures and shapes of the woman in front of her, and all it does is cause Alex's jaw to tighten in anger, and her muscle tense like a bad cramp.

Hesitant and almost childlike, Stella shuffles closer to the table Alex is sitting at, patiently waiting for Alex's eyes to meet hers. "Hey, sorry, all the other tables are full. Is it cool if I sit here?" The tattooed woman waits patiently for a reply, her eyes sad and apologetic and filled with isolation.

Alex looks around, and sure enough, all of the other tables are full, or of the wrong sort of crowd for Stella to sit with. Alex didn't realise how long she had been sitting at the table by herself, lost in her own thoughts. It's as if with a click of a finger the cafeteria is now swelling with inmates.

Stella makes Alex's blood boil. Makes her body feel like it's swarming with explosives, waiting for the wrong movement that pulls the pins out of all the grenades and ignites the wicks of the bombs. Admittedly, the major contribution to the hate for Stella is jealousy. It's the fact that every time Alex looks at her all she can picture is the greasy scene of Stella seated next to Piper, kneading her skin like it was dough. It disgusts her. And as much as it pains her to do it, Alex flicks her hand out, giving Stella the validation to sit at the table. She regrets it almost instantly, anticipating Stella to open her mouth and let out questions that Alex really doesn't want to answer. But Stella sits quietly and eats, not disturbing Alex in any way, and Alex is ok with that. There's no need for small talk. No need to fill the space with words. A mellow silence between the two is the only interaction they need and the only interaction that exists.

But there's still tension, a whole lot of it. The kind of tension you feel suffocated in, and you feel the constant longing for a window to crack open in hopes that maybe the thick air will escape. But they sit, struggling to breathe, knowing that the other feels the same way.

Alex keeps her actions as close to normality as possible despite the obvious pressure, picking up her last piece of orange, bringing it up to her lips and letting her teeth let the sweet taste burst to life. But almost in slow motion, Alex feels a large pain in her shoulder, something pushed into her muscles, causing the orange to fly out of her hands. Automatically, Alex launches herself around and sure enough, it's another inmate. Skinhead Helen to be exact.

"You want to watch where you're fucking going next time." Alex screeches, making sure it's not a question. She rises up out of her seat, her height giving her a direct advantage in the situation which Alex has always been quietly glad about.

Chest out, head high, Skinhead Helen creeps as close to Alex as she possibly can. "Shut your fucking mouth four eyes before I beat your head into the ground" she grits through her teeth.

"Who the fuck do you think you are? You are the one who barged into me and then you have the nerve to try and threaten me now?" All Alex can see is the colour red. It's everywhere. All over the walls. All over her hands. All over the reflection of her face in Skinhead Helen's eyes. Pure exasperation smeared as far as the eyes can see.

Alex always said that she used to let junkies have their way. But that was when she had things to compensate for the consequences. She had people to watch her back. Money to use. Drugs to supply. Without all of that, confrontation seems to be the only key to not let people trample over her.

Like it was in slow motion, Skinhead Helen turns her palms to face Alex's body, planting her hands on the top of her chest and shoving away from her with all the power stored in her body. 100% charge. Full throttle. And just like that, the colour red turned deeper, more sinister, more violent as Alex begins to raise her right arm to reciprocate Helens actions, but is blocked by a hand that participates in the actions before her. The recognisable Australian accent fills the space between the red and the colours of reality "go back to whatever the fuck you were doing and leave her alone Skinhead."

It's an abnormal duel, with only eyes as weapons, firing bullets straight into the pupils of the opponent until one is defeated. And Helen knows she's about to take on that role. Stella has her forearm firmly placed against Helen's collarbones, shielding Alex with a fiery force that speaks volume without any words, while Helen and Alex are as stiff as statues.

With a sardonic laugh, just quiet enough for the women to hear, Helen breaks away from Stella with a sinister smile smeared across her face. "You owe me one Carlin" Skinhead Helen whispers.

Stella sets out a mocking laugh "I don't owe you shit. We're even now. Get the fuck out of here."

Alex watches with her eyes narrow until Helen leaves the cafeteria entirely, never looking back. She notices how tight her stance is, loosening it with a deep exhale, and draping her fingers through her hair, still mildly shaken from the situation. Junkies. They never stop.

"You alright?" Stella says quietly as she walks back to the vacant seat she was previously sitting at, nonchalantly eating her meal once she's seated comfortably.

Alex replies with a nod, still standing, then falling into a shallow realisation that she's the only one in the cafeteria still up, so she takes her seat back, quickly finding a warm hand caressing her neck with a distinct aroma traveling through her senses. "Hey baby" Piper whispers into Alex's ear, eyeing Stella in the process. As much as she'd hate to admit it, even seeing Stella sitting with Alex makes her blood boil. Yes, she still feels guilty for what she did to Stella and what she did with Stella, but in no means is she going to let her get close to her girl.

"Hey" Alex whispers back, avoiding eye contact with Piper because she knows that she can read her like a book once their eyes meet. But Piper can sense it from the beginning. She doesn't need Alex's eyes to tell a story. It's all over her skin. All over her touch.

"What's wrong Al?" Piper asks worryingly, planting her hand on top of Alex's.

"Just some fucking junkie, don't worry about it."

"C'mon, lets go talk?" Piper asks sympathetically.

Alex nods gently, not really wanting to talk, but just wanting to be alone with Piper.

With the validation, Piper and Alex simultaneously stand from the table. "Thanks Stella" Alex amplifies genuinely in Stella's direction.

Piper feels her chest go tight. She knows how immature she's being. She knows how irrational. But she can't help the jealousy erupt like a volcano. Even from the slightest of interactions.

...

"Alex, I've been looking for you everywhere." Red grits through her teeth as she storms towards Alex who's head is gently situated on Piper's legs, her fingers softly brushing through Alex's hair.

Alex exhales deeply. "What's the matter Red."

With urgency, Red spits out words that Alex never thought she would hear. "Lolly's back."

Alex jolts her body up, quickly using her hand to push her off the floor. "What, what do you mean she's back?"

"She plead insanity." Red shakes her head. "And apparently they were satisfied with the way the medications were helping her so they let her back in."

Alex's face is tight with confusion and dread. Mostly because as much as she'd hate to admit it, not having Lolly in Litchfield made Alex feel more at ease, knowing that no questions would be asked about that gruesome day in the greenhouse. Alex has drilled into her head that Lolly made the choice to do what she did to Aydin. But although that is true, Alex can't help but think about how if it wasn't for her, the whole Aydin situation wouldn't have happened and Lolly wouldn't be in this predicament.

Slouched in Red's direction Alex asks "have you spoken to her?"

"I tried but it didn't work."

"What do you mean it didn't work?"

"Alex, go and try to speak to her."

...

From the moment Alex walks into the TV room she can smell the distinct odour of mould and off brand cleaning products that are central to the prison, but it's not a deterrent in trying to find the person she's looking for. In fact, the short, bleached hair and the familiar black framed glasses are seated right in the centre of the room, the easiest spot the view the television.

Alex pushes a chair from the table next to Lolly over to her, seating herself gently upon the cold plastic. "Hi Lolly." Alex says calmly, but still hesitant, still trying to understand what Red had said to her earlier.

Lolly doesn't say anything, not a word, not a flinch of a muscle. She remains focused on the TV that's now playing a some form of animal documentary that she doesn't even seem to be enjoying.. but continues to look, with her stare not straying away.

"Lolly?" Alex questions, confused at the lack of recognition.

Again, Lolly remains still, with Alex not really sure if she can hear her, so she moves in front of her face, knowing that it will break her stare. "Hey. Lolly."

"I'm watching." Lolly says slowly, finally breaking the silence. She almost sounds and looks like a zombie. Her movements are very slow. Her presence dormant, inactive. Like a few switches to her mind haven't been turned on. Like her power board doesn't have enough strength to have everything working at once.

Worryingly, Alex asks "Lolly, are you ok?"

Lolly doesn't say anything again. She returns back to a vacant stare. A missing presence and an empty aura.

"Hey Lolly, look at me." Alex puts her warm hands on either side of Lolly's face. "It's me, Alex. You remember don't you?" Alex's eyes travel from Lolly's left eye, then to the right and back and forth again trying to almost find that piece of her that's still inside. But all Lolly does is stare blankly into the middle of Alex's face, not resting on any particular feature. Her eyes are open, but they are lifeless. There's nothing left in them. And what saddens Alex the most is that when she used to look into Lolly's eyes, she saw more than she ever thought imaginable. Another dimension. Another world. So much curiosity. So much life. But they've broken her. 'They' are a mixture of the pills, and the so called professionals that have put such an innocent mind to sleep. Being in prison for so long, you see the effects of people who come back. It's always the same outcome. And that outcome is that the person is never the same.

Every individual has a lifetime of traits and attributes customised to make them who they are, and no one should have the power to strip that away from you. But as Alex knows too well, there's nothing she can do. There's nothing anyone can do. Like a broken piece of glass... you can't stick it back together without still seeing cracks.

Alex's eyes wander around the room and land on a deck of cards sitting on the adjacent table unsupervised and a sudden burst of an idea sparks into her mind. A vivid image of the two of them playing cards in Alex's bunk some time ago.

With a gentle smile and a light touch, Alex attempts to tap into some of Lolly's past memories. "Lolly, do you want to play cards?" Lolly very slowly turns her head towards Alex, her mouth agape. "Eleven cards remember?" Alex questions. She spreads her smile a little wider, but only having it dim when what she thought was Lolly interacting is nothing more than her just following the louder sound of Alex's voice over noise from the tv.

Alex sighs deeply. Completely saddened by the situation. Then she has another idea. A stupid, reckless idea that shouldn't have been thought of in the first place, let alone executed. But Alex goes ahead and asks the question that she shouldn't. Something that she shoved down deep into her collection of nightmares.. "Lolly." Alex waits until Lolly's face turns towards her so she can try to catch her eye. Once she lands on something respective of her focus, she let's the words fall slowly and carefully out of her mouth, making sure the words are said clearly. "Do you remember the greenhouse? Remember that man? And that man was trying to hurt me, so you rescued me. Do you remember that Lolly?"

Lolly stares blanked face. And Alex stares back. This long wait. To see if anything has sparked inside. Anything to ignite Lolly's fire again.

"Do you remember?" Alex repeats.

Lolly moves her head extremely slowly up and down.

Alex's chest loosens, smiling at the small ounce of recognition she's gotten.

Unexpectedly, Lolly breaks her silence, reciting words that send shivers down Alex's spine while simultaneously washing a sense of relief over her. "He was a bad man. We did what we had to do and we did it well, so now it's through." Lolly reports in an almost robotic, monotone configuration.

"I know you're in there." Alex smiles. She stares deep into Lolly's pale grey eyes that almost remind her of her own, watching the tears slowly well up and eventually overfill, spilling down Lolly's pale cheek. She's in there. The pills can't hold her down forever. And the secrets they keep can't be held down forever either. They will escape like so much of Lolly. But the gruesome reality of the current situation is turbulent at the least.

 **Author notes:**

 **Brought back some familiar faces into this chapter… they will tie into a bigger storyline down the track.**

 **Carol Chapman coming to Litchfield… Is that something that you want me to involve?**

 **As always, enjoy and thank you for the constant support even when I take way too long on a chapter ;)**


	14. The Mind Of Monsters

"You know, the second you're caught up in the drug world, you can't get out of it. You're trapped in a box and they've got the key. And the only way you can get out is if you get caught or if you're dead." Stella asserts as her fingertips hit the cup of water that she brings up to her lips, gulping down what's left.

"Alex laughs at the truth behind the words that leave Stella's mouth. They've been chatting more. Purely platonically. And as much as Alex hates to admit it, she actually likes Stella's company. There's no strings attached, only words that seem to overlap the other as their conversations flow way too fast. They sit together at most meals now and for two women that hated each other, the sequence of events that is playing out now is a reflection of the opposite. "Tell me about it. When you start off in the drug world you don't think of the bigger picture. But you've gotta start somewhere. We all did. And we all ended up here." Alex snickers again, finding humour in her situation a lot more than she should... especially seeing as once upon a time she was terrified of being here. Embarrassed that she let herself get caught.

"I was just a regular kid living in Australia"

"What started the drugs?" Alex asks inquisitively.

"Stella nervously looks down at her empty cup, laying it in her fingers, preparing herself for all of the memories that are going to pop back with her answer. "My ex actually. You?"

"I was never really good at anything, never really fit in. Circumstances were shit, so when the opportunity came along, I took it. And the truth is, I never looked back. The only time I ever did was when it fucked with the one person I cared about." Alex's face goes cold, stiff like stone having one particular blondes image engraved in her mind. But even though it feels like forever ago... well it was forever ago, she still catches herself thinking about it every now and then. Thinking about if she was the real douchebag and Piper was inevitably going to leave anyway but she just chose the damn wrong time to do it. Alex quickly washes all of it away, sprinkling the additive to her answer. "Aaanndd when I got caught" Alex raises her cup in a salute to Stella, letting her smile turn into laughter.

"Yeah, we all looked back when we got caught" Stella laughs back at Alex, pulling her head close to the table as she arches forward.

"In the exact moment Stella and Alex are engulfed in reciprocated laughter, Piper walks into the cafeteria, her eyes scanning the both of them with enough fire to ignite the place. That smug little smirk that Stella has across her face has Piper clenching her fists. She wants to rip it right off her face. She hates this. They shouldn't be friends. They shouldn't even be speaking. Piper's skin quickly turns damp from the sweat of hatred. But in true Piper fashion, she acts like she doesn't care, walking past the two without any acknowledgement as she joins the queue to receive her tray of slop. She knows she's being petty and she's more than aware she shouldn't get this jealous but she can't help herself. Stella has the same glimmer in her eye that she did the moment before she kissed Piper. And that terrifies her more than words can explain.

"After coming down from the high of laughter, Stella slides her empty tray over to the side of the table, focusing solely on Alex. "You ever think about if we didn't get caught though? How different our lives would have been."

"When you're successful in an illegal business, you're bound to get caught. But I'll tell you. When you're in it, you don't even think about it." Alex admits in a serious tone.

"Stella takes a bite of the miscellaneous brown substance taking up most of the space on her plate and in the second it hits her taste buds, her face turns into a distorted picture with disgust seeping through. "Fuck this tastes like shit."

* * *

"Piper spends the rest of the afternoon engulfed by the book "The Girl On The Train" by Paula Hawkins, attempting to get her mind off other things. That main thing being Alex and Stella. She finds herself trickling out of focus, consumed by her own worries and forcing herself back into the book when she's led astray by her own thoughts.

It takes a while, but she finds a rhythm, hammering through the book with an eagerness to find out what's next, forgetting completely about the world around her. The central character of the book Rachel, and the hot alcoholic mess she is, moulds quickly with Piper's heart. Partially because she finds herself in Rachel. Not that Piper's an alcoholic, but the fact that Rachel has been through so much and finds herself encapsulating the ideas of other people's lives in hers is something that Piper admits she does herself. She puts herself on a spectrum with other individuals, seeing where she fits in comparison to them. A horrible trait to have, but one Piper can simply not shake off. She wonders if she could have ended up like Rachel. Alone on a train every morning, watching strangers that feel like friends go about their daily life, not even knowing she exists. But Piper knows that she's always been too scared to be alone. That her comfort is within people. That's how she's ended up in such horrible predicaments, but it's also how she found the most important people in her life.

* * *

"Alex walks in on the heavily immersed Piper Chapman, studying her exuberant level of focus. It makes her smile. She doesn't want to disturb her, break the concentration. But she can't help herself. She's like a needy child that just wants to be loved. And having not seen Piper all morning, she wants nothing more than to have Piper's focus shift to her. Piper still hasn't seen her enter the bunk, so Alex creeps closer, lifting the book out of Piper's fingertips with a big smile smacked upon her face. She presses her lips against Piper's with lust and passion, but she quickly retreats when Piper doesn't reciprocate it, backing away.

"Hey, I was reading." Piper says, annoyed.

Smirking, Alex replies "And I was kissing."

"Piper's face doesn't budge. No smile, no smirk. Only radiating annoyance. Piper grabs the book straight out of Alex's hands way too forcefully and sits up so she's as far away from Alex as possible on the bed without falling off, quickly bringing her knees up, opening the book again and resting it up on them.

"Alex acknowledges Piper's negative vibes, still with a smirk on her face, almost knowing why Piper's acting this way.

"What's the matter moody?" Alex teases, getting closer to Piper again.

"Nothing." Piper's reply is harsh and dry, never looking up from the words on the page that she's not even reading, but that her eyes are laying on.

"Piper. What's wrong?" Alex is serious now, using her deep voice to her advantage, wanting to show genuine sincerity for Piper's wellbeing.

Piper just shakes her head in reply.

Alex knows exactly what to do. As much as she won't admit it, she knows how much control she has over Piper just as Piper does over her. And utilising that power is the only way to open Piper back up from the trapped doors of her insecurities. "Baby." Alex takes a more serious turn, leaning herself onto Piper. Inching closer and closer until her mouth gets as close to hers without actually touching it. "Tell me." Alex whispers, making sure Piper feels her warm breath enter her mouth and coat the surrounding skin. Keeping eye contact, Alex moves her right hand down to Piper's leg, softly stroking down until she rests it on the inside of Piper's thigh.

Piper practically can't keep holding herself up at Alex's touch. She sighs internally knowing how this is going to end, knowing that she should have seen this coming. But Alex's touch is tantalising. Hypnotic. Like a sweet poison that she never wants to stop drinking.

"Ok." Piper's breath hitches. She gives in too quickly and takes a second to indulge in Alex's touch, feeling the goosebumps formulate under her fingers, but Alex pulls away fast and Piper sighs at the loss. She closes her eyes for a moment, opening to find Alex with a grin on her face, knowing that she's waiting for an answer. To which Piper asks "what's going on with you and Stella?" Piper whispers it, still feeling like she's up in the clouds from Alex's touch. Almost like a dream.

"Alex laughs, almost knowing what Piper's question would be. "There's nothing going on between us Piper."

"Yeah, that's what I said too."

"Well I'm not you."

A long pause fills the room. The hit of realisation fabricating a sense of silence that is almost ominous. Piper looks up into Alex's pale blue eyes, seeing her reflection within, almost hating it. Hating that she was able to do such a horrible thing to Alex, and knowing that Alex could never do it to her. And Piper believes every word that comes out of Alex's mouth. Hell, Piper even believed it when Alex said she didn't name her. And yet she still can't see her as a liar. Ever. Just the love of her life.

Softly, almost sad, Piper explains "I know. I know you're not me." She reaches for Alex's hand, gently picking it up and placing it between hers. Her eyes stay on them, watching her fingers entangled with Alex's. Once she's brave enough, she looks back up to meet Alex's eyes once again. "I love you."

"I love you too Pipes." Alex says and Piper nestles into her shoulder. "Listen, Stella isn't something you need to worry about. That accent is such a turnoff." Alex giggles, the vibrations running through Piper's body.

"Really?" Piper questions, needing the validation.

"Yes really. You know I love you. You and only you. No one even compares." They both smile at the level of sincerity in Alex's voice and Piper feels a sense of relief. That just from Alex's words she feels at ease. That Stella isn't something that she needs to worry about. She gets scared at how easily she trusts Alex because she knows the amount of damage she could do to her. But she wouldn't dare think that Alex would have the balls to ever do it.

Piper rests her head upon Alex's chest, closing her eyes and embracing the moment. The way Alex's shirt smells like her, and the light rubbing of her fingers upon Piper's hand. Still to this day it feels too surreal to be true. Like one day she will wake up and it will all just be a dream. But while time is still rolling, Piper finds her mind stepping back to what got her to open up in the first place.

"So what..." Piper pauses, looking at Alex with a new found desire. She sits up, taking Alex's hand and putting it exactly where it was placed before on her inner thigh. "Are you going to finish what you started?"

* * *

"Through the weeks that Stella has been back at Litchfield, Nicky hasn't quite figured out where her heads at. She knows she likes the sex. As she always does. But too much of it can create the one dreaded word that Nicky hates to even think about. FEELINGS. Not that Nicky is one to catch them, but she was almost waiting for Stella to want something more from her. And so she's been trying to avoid her ever since. And when she notices Stella and Skinhead Helen huddled into a corner together, Nicky breaks away, putting her back on the adjacent wall, out of their sight.

"She's a smart girl, I think she'll sense it." Skinhead Helen's voice radiates through the hallway, bouncing off the walls.

"We're just talking like a couple of acquaintances. I'm working on the things that we have in common." Stella whispers, with Nicky still able to hear.

"I don't know. I'm riding on this to work."

"You're not even doing anything anymore.. if it doesn't work it's all on me anyway." Stella says with her annoyance becoming larger with every word that leaves her lips.

"She'll be here soon Stella. If it's not done by then, you are going to get smashed."

Stella breaths out heavily with Nicky virtually imagining her chest falling with the exhale.

"You think I don't know this already? Just stay the fuck out of it. Don't bring any attention to you OR her. The cafeteria the other day was the exact opposite of what you should be doing."

"She was up in my grill Stella."

"I don't fucking care what she was up in. Don't you dare pull that shit again."

"Ok, whatever. You do you."

Nicky places her hand on top of the waistband of her trousers quickly in panic when she hears the familiar scrunch of commissary chips she had forgotten she hid in there. She knows they heard it. The crinkling sound was even louder than their voices. So Nicky does the only thing she knows how to do and that is to walk straight out past them.

Stella looks up abruptly, in a sudden shock when she sees Nicky.

"Nichols, where the fuck did you come out of?"

"Your worst nightmares kid" Nicky laughs, acting like she didn't hear a thing.

Helen's eyes flicker to Stella worryingly, with Stella shaking her head, indicating that Nicky didn't hear a thing. It's almost like they are oblivious to Nicky's presence, but panic can do that to a person.

"So who the hell are you fucking huh?... you seem too happy to be high and dry." Stella laughs, trying to break the tension, knowing Nicky too well.

With a smirk on her face Nicky says "and why is that any of your business little Koala?"

"Oh please don't ever call me that again. And I was just curious." Stella raises her eyebrows, her eyes darting up.

"Whatever kid. See you later squirt" Nicky bursts out in laughter knowing exactly what game she's playing here. She turns around to see Stella's mortified face at the nickname she knows suits her too well. All because of Nicky and Stella's sexual advances in Max. Nicky keeps walking, her mind clear from the previous banter. All she can focus on is the conversation between Stella and Skinhead Helen. She knows there's a storm coming. She just hopes she has time to put on a rain jacket.


End file.
